KOCH CAIN: The Pizza Pauper

The prescient 1983 John Landis film, “Trading Places,” depicts two wealthy white brothers, financially successful commodities brokers, who just happen to be bored shitless with all they munnies. They spend their days bickering endlessly about trivialities only the wealthiest 1% of Americans would find interesting.  They propel the plot of the film by wagering one greenback on whether it is a person’s heredity, or their environment that determines their success in business.

Trading Places shorter:  Given an unequal opportunity by the Koch brothers, or the Duke brothers, a black street hustler can be just as successful hustling on Wall Street as he was on Main Street. You know— where they buy politicians by the butt load. And it doesn’t matter a wit who gets hurt in the process of proving it.  But ever since that fateful day the bros put Herman Cain‘s— um— Billy Ray Valentine‘s butt in the back of their lemo and showed~him~the~munny, they have been hailed as “Patriots” by the wanna-be-president Pizza Pauper.

The film is often compared to the Mark Twain classic, The Prince And The Pauper, where two young men who share a striking physical appearance trade places, the pauper becoming a prince, and, well, you get it the idea. No big stretch that the fictional, morally bankrupt Duke brothers in Trading Places are so reminiscent of the non-fictional Koch brothers, who are nurturing the ex-banker, ex-radio announcer, ex-pizza and restaurant association CEO into their hand-picked Republican presidential nominee. But all that went down the toilet even before I could finish this draft; can you say: “Sex-You-All Ha-RASS-Mint”??

The Koch boys will never publicly endorse brother Herman, of course;  this is a back-boardroom Americans For Prosperity scam deal, and it’s going to stay that way.  But selling your soul is serious business, and when climate change rains on your parade, it fucking pours.  News is now swirling up around Herm’s nut sack about his campaign having accepted $40,000 in services and junk from a tax-exempt group co-founded by Cain’s chief of staff, Mark Block, who likes to smoke in Cain’s campaign commercials.

Not long ago, Herman Cain wasn’t the least bit interested in running for president.  He was a “millonaire,” [sic].  But late one afternoon, God called him and said he should get in the race for president.  Cain told CBN News that’s just one of the reasons why he believes “God’s been in this from the beginning.”  And there’s little doubt a whole lot of the other reasons have the recently re-affirmed slogan, “In God We Trust” written all over them.

Cain said that when he felt God leaning on him to run for president, he resisted, just as any reluctant profit prophet with a closet full of skeletons would, “…just like Moses did after being called by God to lead the Hebrews out of Egypt.”  Uh huh.  And like brother Moses, Cain questioned God’s brash judgment, saying, “You got the wrong guy, Yahweh!  You cain’t be talkin’ ’bout me.  Don’t you know I done paid out a few five-figure sexual harassment settlements??  How’s that not gonna come back ‘n bite me in the buttocks?!?”

Indeed.  Cain finished up by saying that it took a whole lotta those “conversations with God” to overcome his humble reluctance (and the recollection of his past misdeeds) to seek the presidency.
Well. I can’t wait to hear what Herman says God says next.

* Mr. Ann Coulter:  “Our blacks are better than their blacks.” You just can’t make your racism any more concise than that.