Terry Jones — Um, Make That Satan — Is Back In The News

GAINESVILLE — Tempers are flaring again in the backward community church of Pastor Terry Jones, who was nowhere in sight when a new spokesman for the church explained that their next big Media Grab will focus on burning not “Ko-rans”— but “Ko-re-ans.”  As in:  Evil North.  However, the small community of vintage furniture wankerdoodlers are reportedly divided over whether or not they should stick with sacred book burning, or move on to the exponentially more volatile practice of burning people.

Their new spokesman, Bernard “Bernie” L. Zebub, who volunteered he is known for his “inflammatory language and ability to manipulate press pussies,” says the church is advocating the burning of “certain people” who are, in Zebub’s opinion, clearly beyond redemption.  Zebub also told reporters he is an expert on the subject, and, gesturing to several men in mega-gay satin costumes with full dunce hoods, said that the burnings would be carried out by “professionals” who would ensure that no one would actually be burned to death;  that the goal was “eternal torment.”

Wearing a large button depicting Pastor Jones as a “useful idiot,”  Zebub said they would be rounding up any North Koreans unfortunate enough to be found in the greater Gainesville area, and on the evening of November 11th, rain or shine, they would be giving them an involuntary taste of “the Fires of Hell.”

Zebub was asked:  “Mr. Zebub, why pick on the North Koreans?”

“Call me Burnie. But seriously— these people are pure eevil— I mean listen, have you ever seen a North Korean ‘film’?”

Zebub then challenged the several dozen incompetent incredulous reporters: “So what’s the big deal?”  “You do know, don’t you, that the Christian Church has always promised that their God, Jehovah, Yawhoo, or whatever, will be sending everyone— not professing Christianity— to the fiery pits of Hell, where every last non-believing one of you will be burned for all eternity!  Ha hah ha ha ha ha ha!  So as an act of Christian service we’re giving a few of you sure-fire evil-doers your bath of flames a tad bit early.”

By this time several of the Fux Noize reporters were covered in a thick, sticky coat of their own froth, and one of them managed to force a question through his spittle:  “But look, there aren’t any North Koreans in Gainesville;  so isn’t this just a tacky publicity stunt to garner more power and attention from “US”— The PRESS— that you don’t rightfully deserve?”

Zebub, clearly fired up over the question, erupted in gales of demoniacal laughter so authentic that several startled reporters fell to their knees;  and when they had regained their composure, Zebub, glowering at the shaken reporter, said that if there were insufficient numbers of actual North Koreans, they were prepared to burn several dozen effigies made by church members of North Korea’s evil leader, Kim Jong-il, dressed in a variety of snappy ensembles. The press was provided this single facsimile:

Asked if the small but now internationally-infamous Church of the Burning Book had singled out any other groups for future flames, Zebub said,
“Oh hell yes;  we’ve got a whole slate of biped burnings scheduled.  But we reserve the right to withhold that information from y’all until we disappear from the headlines of the various lame-stream rags you media-rhoids work for.  So we’ll be in touch.  In the meantime, I suggest you all better watch your asses.”