FORTY-FIVE ASSHOLES AND COUNTING

“THEIR BLOOD BE ON US

AND ON OUR CHILDREN”

Assholes Who Voted Against An Amendment Proposed by Sens. Joe Manchin (D-W.Va.) and Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) To Require Background Checks For Commercial Gun Sales¹

Lamar Alexander (ASSHOLE-TN)
Kelly Ayotte (ASSHOLE-NH)
John Barrasso (ASSHOLE-WY)
Max Baucus (ASSHOLE-MT)
Mark Begich (ASSHOLE-AK)
Roy Blunt (ASSHOLE-MO)
John Boozman (ASSHOLE-AR)
Richard Burr (ASSHOLE-NC)
Saxby Chambliss (ASSHOLE-GA)
Dan Coats (ASSHOLE-IN)
Tom Coburn (ASSHOLE-OK)
Thad Cochran (ASSHOLE-MS)
Bob Corker (ASSHOLE-TN)
John Cornyn (ASSHOLE-TX)
Mike Crapo (ASSHOLE-ID)
Ted Cruz (ASSHOLE-TX)
Michael Enzi (ASSHOLE-WY)
Deb Fischer (ASSHOLE-NE)
Jeff Flake (ASSHOLE-AZ)
Lindsey Graham (ASSHOLE-SC)
Chuck Grassley (ASSHOLE-IA)
Orrin Hatch (ASSHOLE-UT)
Heidi Heitkamp (ASSHOLE-ND)
Dean Heller (ASSHOLE-NV)
John Hoeven (ASSHOLE-ND)
Jim Inhofe (ASSHOLE-OK)
Johnny Isakson ASSHOLE-GA)
Mike Johanns (ASSHOLE-NE)
Ron Johnson (ASSHOLE-WI)
Mike Lee (ASSHOLE-UT)
Mitch McConnell (FUKHEAD-KY)
Jerry Moran (ASSHOLE-KS)
Lisa Murkowski (ASSHOLE-AK)
Rand Paul (IDIOT FUKHEAD-KY)
Rob Portman (ASSHOLE-OH)
Mark Pryor (ASSHOLE-AR)
James Risch (ASSHOLE-ID)
Pat Roberts (ASSHOLE-KS)
Marco Rubio (IDIOT ASSHOLE-FL)
Timothy Scott (ASSHOLE-SC)
Jeff Sessions (FUKHEAD-AL)
Richard Shelby (ASSHOLE-AL)
John Thune (ASSHOLE-SD)
David Vitter (ASSHOLE-LA)
Roger Wicker (ASSHOLE-MS)

These despicable assholes and idiots need to be removed from our nation’s government.
Remember this vote on their next election day. Here are their Twitter handles, tell them how you feel about allowing guns to be sold to their fellow assholes and idiots, online and at gun shows:

Harry Reid (D-NV) *

Senators Who Voted for the Proposal

Tammy Baldwin (D-WI)
Michael Bennet (D-CO)
Richard Blumenthal (D-CT)
Barbara Boxer (D-CA)
Sherrod Brown (D-OH)
Maria Cantwell (D-WA)
Ben Cardin (D-MD)
Thomas Carper (D-DE)
Bob Casey (D-PA)
Susan Collins (R-ME)
Christopher Coons (D-DE)
William “Mo” Cowan (D-MA)
Mark Kirk (R-IL)
Joe Donnelly (D-IN)
Richard Durbin (D-IL)
Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
Al Franken (D-MN)
Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY)
Kay Hagan (D-NC)
Tom Harkin (D-IA)
Martin Heinrich (D-NM)
Mazie Hirono (D-HI)
Tim Johnson (D-SD)
Timothy Kaine (D-VA)
Angus King (I-ME)
Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
Mary Landrieu (D-LA)
Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ)
Patrick Leahy (D-VT)
Carl Levin (D-MI)
Joe Manchin (D-WV)
John McCain (R-AZ)
Claire McCaskill (D-MO),
Robert Menendez (D-NJ)
Jeff Merkley (D-OR)
Barbara Mikulski (D-MD)
Christopher Murphy (D-CT)
Patty Murray (D-WA)
Bill Nelson (D-FL)
John Reed (D-RI)
Jay Rockefeller (D-WV)
Bernie Sanders (I-VT)
Brian Schatz (D-HI)
Charles Schumer (D-NY)
Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH)
Debbie Stabenow (D-MI)
Jon Tester (D-MT)
Pat Toomey (R-PA)
Mark Udall (D-CO)
Tom Udall (D-NM)
Mark Warner (D-VA)
Elizabeth Warren (D-MA)
Sheldon Whitehouse (D-RI)
Ron Wyden (D-OR)

¹ But not for sales between “friends and neighbors.”

* More idiocy: Harry Reid (D-NV) had to vote “no” as a “procedural move” to preserve an option to reintroduce the bill.

THE PUFFINGTON HOST

Click twice to enlarge

No, fellow travellers, this is not the Onion, but maybe those guys are moonlighting the front page of the Puffington Post because they can’t stop themselves. So here’s my challenge to you, you that want to use your brain for more that a feces storage locker: Go to the front page of Puff Ho™ and see how many posts are worth your precious time.
I’ll wait.

So you came back with:

7 Struggles Of People Who Bite Their Nails

Okay I lied, why the fuck would I wait for you to waste your time if my whole poin… you know, forget it.

Rand Paul: Black Like Me

Rand Paul tries to get his Black on at Howard University

Rest at pale evening…
A tall slim tree…
Night coming tenderly
Black like me.
–Langston Hughes, Dream Variations

Following a decade-long bout with a temporary form of blindness, Texas author John Howard Griffin lit upon a novel idea: to effectively alter his physical appearance such that he could pass for a black man, to better understand the challenges that confronted the Black race in the pre-Civil Rights era of the late 1950s. The gritty results of this one man social experiment were published in book form under the title Black Like Me (later turned into a movie of the same name, starring James Whitmore). From the BBC account on the 50th anniversary of its publication:

In the American Deep South in 1959, to be black was to be despised — to be treated as something less than human. There was the grinding poverty, of course, and the segregation and legalised discrimination which reserved certain railroad cars, bus seats and drinking fountains for the whites. But there were humiliations that ran deeper still. In some states, black men accused of looking at white women with lust in their hearts could be arrested under laws which made “ogling” a form of sexual assault. In others, “eyeballing” laws meant that failing to look down at the sidewalk when white folks passed by could lead to a charge of behaving in a confrontational way.

(As a detested “heepy” living in Hawaii in the early ’70s, I learned early on, if possible, never make eye contact with da local boys. A fellow traveler was not so fortunate. Having caught the attention of the big guys hanging outside of Auggie’s Pool Hall in Paia, they raced across the street, chased him into a cane field, and beat him with their pool cues to within an inch of his life.)

All of which is background for a condescending historical lecture on Civil Rights given by Senator Ron Paul (R-Teabagger) to a polite but gobsmacked audience Wednesday at one of the country’s premiere Black colleges, Howard University. ThinkProgress has the highlights:

1. The Civil Rights movement is actually the “history of the Republican Party”. The thrust of Paul’s speech was a recapitulation of the history of race and racism and a defense of the Republican record on race (representative line: “The story of emancipation, voting rights and citizenship, from Fredrick Douglass until the modern civil rights era, is in fact the history of the Republican Party.”) The problem was that this speech, ostensibly designed to persuade black voters that the GOP was interested in them, was telling the audience things it already knew. Moreover, the speech didn’t grapple with what happened to make the Democrats the more racially liberal party in the mid-40s or the turn towards racially divisive politics on the Republican right, essentially skipping over the real reason the GOP alienated African-American voters.

2. Assumed the audience didn’t know the history of the NAACP. In one of the most awkward moments of the talk, Paul asked the audience if anyone knew that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) had been founded by Republicans. The audience responded with a resounding “yes!”

3. Suggested that African-Americans were “demeaning” the history of sergregation by calling voter ID laws discrimination. When asked how African-Americans could trust the Republican Party given its generalized support for discriminatory voter ID laws, Rand Paul told the audience to chill out about the measures, suggesting they were common sense. Paul argued that the view that these laws were an updated version of poll taxes was “[demeaning] the horror” of segregation. NAACP President Benjamin Jealous has said voter ID laws are “pushing more voters out of the ballot box than any point since Jim Crow.”

4. Mangled the name of the first popularly-elected black Senator. In what appeared to be an attempt to demonstrate his familiarity with the subject matter, Paul brought up Senator Edward William Brooke III (a Republican mentioned in the prepared remarks as “the first [elected] black U.S. Senator”). He referred to him, however, as “Edwin Brooks,” a point the audience corrected.

5. Misled about his opposition to the Civil Rights Act. Paul said “I’ve never wavered in my support for civil rights or the Civil Rights Act.” The problem, as Mother Jones‘ Adam Serwer pointed out, is that he opposed the law’s ban on discrimination in “places of public accommodation” like businesses, one of its most important planks. As an audience member asking Paul about this issue pointed out, “this was on tape.”

In his blog post Rand Paul and the Sweet Smell of Your Own Crap, TPM’s Josh Marshall comments that Paul’s embarrassment was…

“an example of what happens when a staunch conservative steps out of the GOP’s tightly-drawn racial nonsense bubble and hits an audience not dying to be convinced that the GOP’s problems with non-whites are the results of boffo misunderstandings about a Republican party that is actually the best thing that ever happened to black people.”

Marshall concludes with an insight into what happens when the brain’s narrative circuitry crystallizes around a long held personal prejudice:

” You can become so lost in your own story that you confuse your conciliation with your aggression. The GOP is so deep into its own self-justifying racial alternative reality that there’s some genuine surprise when the claptrap doesn’t survive first contact with actual black people.”

It’s like, for the whole fifty years of his sheltered life, Senator Aqua Buddha lived in a parallel Libertarian universe where compassionate, visionary Republicans ushered in the Second Great Emancipation of the downtrodden Negro race. I guess his nose was too stuck too far into Ayn Rand’s fantasy novels to notice that when the Redneck South abandoned the Democratic Party after LBJ signed the Civil Rights and Voting Acts, those Yellow Dog Democrats found a welcome home in the GOP. Or that Ronald Reagan announced his 1980 presidential run in the Mississippi town where civil rights workers, Andrew Goodman, Michael Schwerner and James Cheney were murdered in 1964.

Yesterday, I watched the new movie 42 about the legendary Jackie Robinson, the first Black professional baseball player who did so much to pave the way for later day civil rights leaders like Martin Luther King and Medgar Evers. Jackie suffered much abuse as he became the focal point of the intense racial hatred that prevailed during the year of his breakthrough, 1947. Scenes from the movie include the iconic Whites Only signs that hung like nooses over bathroom doors and restaurants and professional baseball parks. In one scene, his minor league team bus stopped to gas up and Jackie headed towards the restroom to relieve himself. The attendant forbade from using it, saying he should know better.

Ron Paul, even today, would have supported the attendant’s choice, given his reading of the Constitution that private businesses should be allowed to discriminate.

Because, you know, freedom.

Because Freedom: Erich Fromm Edition

Liz Cheney sets the way back machine to 1961 to explain the Grand Obstructionist Party’s response to health care reform

In his NY Times column Monday, Paul Krugman asks a question whose subtext subsumes its substance:

How many Americans will be denied essential health care in the name of freedom?

In case you haven’t noticed, the response to every critical policy issue proffered by the plutocratic funded Teabagger, Libertarian dominated GOP is a non-answer: no can-do, because, you know, freedom. An easy, bumper sticker slogan that appeals to the low information voter and propagandists alike.

Rational gun safety laws? Farmer Fred might have to drive 30 miles to town to record a transfer of his shotgun to his grandson. (Maybe he could combine it with one of his regular town trips, or like, when he has to register the transfer of a vehicle.) Financial regulation? As the banksters are fond of saying: the invisible hand of capitalism is regulator enough, thank you very much. Pollution controls? That costs jobs and all the freedom that goes with ’em. Immigration reform? Employers should be free to hire whomever they want, at whatever pay the market will bear. That’s the free market, baby.

Krugman drills down on the healthcare issue:

“I’m referring, of course, to the question of how many Republican governors will reject the Medicaid expansion that is a key part of Obamacare. What does that have to do with freedom? In reality, nothing. But when it comes to politics, it’s a different story.

It goes without saying that Republicans oppose any expansion of programs that help the less fortunate — along with tax cuts for the wealthy, such opposition is pretty much what defines modern conservatism. But they seem to be having more trouble than in the past defending their opposition without simply coming across as big meanies.

Specifically, the time-honored practice of attacking beneficiaries of government programs as undeserving malingerers doesn’t play the way it used to. When Ronald Reagan spoke about welfare queens driving Cadillacs, it resonated with many voters. When Mitt Romney was caught on tape sneering at the 47 percent, not so much.

There is, however, an alternative. From the enthusiastic reception American conservatives gave Friedrich Hayek’s “Road to Serfdom,” to Reagan, to the governors now standing in the way of Medicaid expansion, the U.S. right has sought to portray its position not as a matter of comforting the comfortable while afflicting the afflicted, but as a courageous defense of freedom.”

Yup, the Romney Revelation required a reboot— blaming the victim can only take you so far, especially when the victims are so close at hand. So, time to step into the Cheney time machine to make old things appear new again.

“Conservatives love, for example, to quote from a stirring speech Reagan gave in 1961, in which he warned of a grim future unless patriots took a stand. (Liz Cheney used it in a Wall Street Journal op-ed article just a few days ago.) “If you and I don’t do this,” Reagan declared, “then you and I may well spend our sunset years telling our children and our children’s children what it once was like in America when men were free.” What you might not guess from the lofty language is that “this” — the heroic act Reagan was calling on his listeners to perform — was a concerted effort to block the enactment of Medicare.”

So, it’s back to the future, where the right wing antediluvians think they can pour old wine into new wine skins. Their conception of freedom is truncated into the freedom from formulation— freedom from government, which is to say, society as a whole. The other formulation of freedom, freedom to, was long ago perverted into license— license to do whatever the hell somebody with means wants, ignoring the generations of collective effort that made their self-centered notions of freedom possible.

When but a sophomore in high school, I had the good fortune to encounter the writings of the noted psychologist, Erich Fromm, who made clear to me the nuanced differences between freedom from and freedom to. (As a horny teenager, I picked up his classic The Art of Loving, thinking it was a sex manual of some sort, but got hooked instead on his philosophical approach to life.) As long as we are doing a little time traveling, let’s go back another twenty years, to the publication of Fromm’s Escape From Freedom in 1941 (during the height of The Third Reich). From the WikiP entry:

Fromm distinguishes between ‘freedom from’ (negative freedom) and ‘freedom to’ (positive freedom). The former refers to emancipation from restrictions such as social conventions placed on individuals by other people or institutions. This is the kind of freedom typified by the Existentialism of Sartre, and has often been fought for historically, but according to Fromm, on its own it can be a destructive force unless accompanied by a creative element, ‘freedom to’ the use of freedom to employ spontaneously the total integrated personality in creative acts. This, he argues, necessarily implies a true connectedness with others that goes beyond the superficial bonds of conventional social intercourse: “…in the spontaneous realization of the self, man unites himself anew with the world…”

A world unobtainable to the selfish and the cruel. What else explains their desire to destroy a society which they reject, from which they have chosen to ex-communicate themselves? Better its destruction than a constant reminder of their own dysfunction.

WikiP concludes its review with this (italic emphasis mine):

Fromm examines democracy and freedom. Modern democracy and the industrialised nation are models he praises but it is stressed that the kind of external freedom provided by this kind of society can never be utilised to the full without an equivalent inner freedom. Fromm suggests that though we are free from obvious authoritarian influence, we are still dominated in our thinking and behaviour by ideas of ‘common sense’, the advice of experts and the influence of advertising. The way to become truly free in an individual sense is to become spontaneous in our self-expression and behaviour and respond truthfully to our genuine feelings. This is crystallised in his existential statement “there is only one meaning of life: the act of living it“. Fromm counters suggestions that this might lead to social chaos by claiming that being truly in touch with our humanity is to be truly in touch with the needs of those with whom we share the world. This is the meaning of a truly social democracy and the realisation of the positive ‘freedom to’ that arises when people escape the malign influence of totalising political orders.

I heard Senator Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) play the “common sense” card yesterday, trying to explain his support for the watered down gun safety agreement he reached with his Democratic counterpart, Joe Manchin (D-W.VA). “Common sense” is the mantra conservatives are using these days to oppose government regulation of any sort. “The advice of experts” is what fuels the whole deferential beltway pundit mentality. And the advertising industry is exactly the foundation of the modern day political propaganda machine.

The more things change the more they stay the same.

Misanthropic Sociopaths

Incorrect order from bored shitless to arrogant fuck Misanthropic Sociopaths: Rex Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil, Chevron CEO John Watson, Shell President Marvin Odum, Conoco-Phillips CEO Jim Mulva, BP America Chairman Lamar McKay.

Open The Pod Bay Doors Please Hal…

…I want to step out for the weekend.

“About the time of the attainment of the maximum of mass, the gravity control of the gaseous content commenced to weaken, and there ensued the stage of gas escapement, the gas streaming forth as two gigantic and distinct arms, which took origin on opposite sides of the mother mass. The rapid revolutions of this enormous central core soon imparted a spiral appearance to these two projecting gas streams. The cooling and subsequent condensation of portions of these protruding arms eventually produced their knotted appearance. These denser portions were vast systems and subsystems of physical matter whirling through space in the midst of the gaseous cloud of the nebula while being held securely within the gravity grasp of the mother wheel.”
—The Urantia Book

PRACTICALLY ALL OF THE STARRY REALMS visible to the naked eye on Urantia belong to the seventh section of the grand universe, the superuniverse of Orvonton. The vast Milky Way starry system represents the central nucleus of Orvonton, being largely beyond the borders of your local universe. This great aggregation of suns, dark islands of space, double stars, globular clusters, star clouds, spiral and other nebulae, together with myriads of individual planets, forms a watch-like, elongated-circular grouping of about one seventh of the inhabited evolutionary universes.

From the astronomical position of Urantia, as you look through the cross section of near-by systems to the great Milky Way, you observe that the spheres of Orvonton are traveling in a vast elongated plane, the breadth being far greater than the thickness and the length far greater than the breadth. Observation of the so-called Milky Way discloses the comparative increase in Orvonton stellar density when the heavens are viewed in one direction, while on either side the density diminishes; the number of stars and other spheres decreases away from the chief plane of our material superuniverse. When the angle of observation is propitious, gazing through the main body of this realm of maximum density, you are looking toward the residential universe and the center of all things.

Of the ten major divisions of Orvonton, eight have been roughly identified by Urantian astronomers. The other two are difficult of separate recognition because you are obliged to view these phenomena from the inside. If you could look upon the superuniverse of Orvonton from a position far-distant in space, you would immediately recognize the ten major sectors of the seventh galaxy.

The rotational center of your minor sector is situated far away in the enormous and dense star cloud of Sagittarius, around which your local universe and its associated creations all move, and from opposite sides of the vast Sagittarius subgalactic system you may observe two great streams of star clouds emerging in stupendous stellar coils.*

The nucleus of the physical system to which your sun and its associated planets belong is the center of the onetime Andronover nebula. This former spiral nebula was slightly distorted by the gravity disruptions associated with the events which were attendant upon the birth of your solar system, and which were occasioned by the near approach of a large neighboring nebula. This near collision changed Andronover into a somewhat globular aggregation but did not wholly destroy the two-way procession of the suns and their associated physical groups. Your solar system now occupies a fairly central position in one of the arms of this distorted spiral, situated about halfway from the center out towards the edge of the star stream.

The Sagittarius sector and all other sectors and divisions of Orvonton are in rotation around Uversa, and some of the confusion of Urantian star observers arises out of the illusions and relative distortions produced by the following multiple revolutionary movements:

1. The revolution of Urantia around its sun.
2. The circuit of your solar system about the nucleus of the former Andronover nebula.
3 The rotation of the Andronover stellar family and the associated clusters about the composite rotation-gravity center of the star cloud of Nebadon.
4 The swing of the local star cloud of Nebadon and its associated creations around the Sagittarius center of their minor sector.
5. The rotation of the one hundred minor sectors, including Sagittarius, about their major sector.
6. The whirl of the ten major sectors, the so-called star drifts, about the Uversa headquarters of Orvonton.
7. The movement of Orvonton and six associated superuniverses around
Paradise and Havona, the counterclockwise processional of the superuniverse
space level.

These multiple motions are of several orders: The space paths of your planet and your solar system are genetic, inherent in origin. The absolute counterclockwise motion of Orvonton is also genetic, inherent in the architectural plans of the master universe. But the intervening motions are of composite origin, being derived in part from the constitutive segmentation of matter-energy into the superuniverses and in part produced by the intelligent and purposeful action of the Paradise force organizers.

The local universes are in closer proximity as they approach Havona; the circuits are greater in number, and there is increased superimposition, layer upon layer. But farther out from the eternal center there are fewer and fewer systems, layers, circuits, and universes.

Paradise force organizers are nebulae originators; they are able to initiate about their space presence the tremendous cyclones of force which, when once started, can never be stopped or limited until the all-pervading forces are mobilized for the eventual appearance of the ultimatonic units of universe matter. Thus are brought into being the spiral and other nebulae, the mother wheels of the direct-origin suns and their varied systems. In outer space there may be seen ten different forms of nebulae, phases of primary universe evolution, and these vast energy wheels had the same origin as did those in the seven superuniverses.

Not all spiral nebulae are engaged in sun making. Some have retained control of many of their segregated stellar offspring, and their spiral appearance is occasioned by the fact that their suns pass out of the nebular arm in close formation but return by diverse routes, thus making it easy to observe them at one point but more difficult to see them when widely scattered on their different returning routes farther out and away from the arm of the nebula. There are not many sun-forming nebulae active in Orvonton at the present time, though Andromeda, which is outside the inhabited superuniverse, is very active. This far-distant nebula is visible to the naked eye, and when you view it, pause to consider that the light you behold left those distant suns almost one million years ago. The Milky Way galaxy is composed of vast numbers of former spiral and other nebulae, and many still retain their original configuration. But as the result of internal catastrophes and external attraction, many have suffered such distortion and rearrangement as to cause these enormous aggregations to appear as gigantic luminous masses of blazing suns, like the Magellanic Cloud. The globular type of star clusters predominates near the outer margins of Orvonton.

The vast star clouds of Orvonton should be regarded as individual aggregations of matter comparable to the separate nebulae observable in the space regions external to the Milky Way galaxy. Many of the so-called star clouds of space, however, consist of gaseous material only. The energy potential of these stellar gas clouds is unbelievably enormous, and some of it is taken up by near-by suns and redispatched in space as solar emanations.

500,000,000,000 years ago the first Andronover sun was born. This blazing streak broke away from the mother gravity grasp and tore out into space on an independent adventure in the cosmos of creation. Its orbit was determined by its path of escape. Such young suns quickly become spherical and start out on their long and eventful careers as the stars of space. Excepting terminal nebular nucleuses, the vast majority of Orvonton suns have had an analogous birth. These escaping suns pass through varied periods of evolution and subsequent universe service.

—The Urantia Book

Seriously; you’ve got to read it to believe it. Read it while you can.

* About the time of the attainment of the maximum of mass, the gravity control of the gaseous content commenced to weaken, and there ensued the stage of gas escapement, the gas streaming forth as two gigantic and distinct arms, which took origin on opposite sides of the mother mass. The rapid revolutions of this enormous central core soon imparted a spiral appearance to these two projecting gas streams. The cooling and subsequent condensation of portions of these protruding arms eventually produced their knotted appearance. These denser portions were vast systems and subsystems of physical matter whirling through space in the midst of the gaseous cloud of the nebula while being held securel within the gravity grasp of the mother wheel. — The Urantia Book

Hey, People Are Watching NBC Again

Dale “Cashews” Peterson don’t give a rip ’bout no rules.

HOOVER CITY— Yeah hey, some people are watching NBC again.* And the fact is, they might be the same people who thought absent-minded Alabama gun tater tot, Dale Peterson, was absolutely innocent of the most recent shoplifting charges filed against him by some liberal tools who work security at the Hoover City Sam’s Club.

It was jis too “coincidental,” you know; because Peterson-haters been plottin’ on Dale ever since he has been publicly contemplate-ting a run for the presidency— and no, not of the Alabama Agricultural Committee. And no, not of the Public Service Commission of Alabama. But for prisidint of the United States.

Because, Character Assassination. Peterson Haters. Conspiracies. Cashews.

Now it’s a fact it’s crystal clear it’s no coincidence that he’s been arrested for a couple dad-gum shoplifting charges. Dale says in a tweeter, “Sometimes there are coincidences. Sometime there are conspiracies. And sometimes there are just facts. #SomethingAintRight”

Yes. Sometimes there are facts. And sometimes there are conspiracies. And sometimes, things just ain’t right. And sometimes, there are “thugs and criminals” who steal yard signs and who need to be shot in the face. Just maybe not this time.

Oh, yeah, maybe it’s a fact Dale helped himself to a handful of peanuts, or cashews, or some kind of nuts or nut-like substance from a jar, or maybe it was a can he found on some shelf over at neighbor Sam’s place. And he tossed the jar-like thing in his cart and went an did $155 worth of shopping, or was it $750 worth— there are conflicting fact reports— but the fact is by the time he got to the checkout, he realized he didn’t need no more stinkin’ peanuts, or cashews, or whatever, and he was thoughtful an kind enough to restock them— not merely leave them on some random shelf— or shove them aside at the checkout like some thug or criminal might do.

Yes facts are slippery things. And the fact may very well be that Dale Peterson has the recall of a dry-roasted cashew; or meybe a toasted peanut; we jis cain’t rully know fur sure.**

So meybe we need us sum more Peterson mojo:

We’re Republicans, we should be better than that.
Ah will name names and take no prisoners.
—Dale Peterson, lifting a gun to his shoulder

Kathy “Never No Handouts or Laz” Peterson,
and hubby, sahn protictor, and hat enthusiast, Dale

Only one thing is fur sure: someone who was being paid by Sam’s Club to watch for shoplifters was watching Dale Peterson, and they watched him snack on some cashews and then put the jar back on the shelf before he checked out.

Oh, and one other thing for sure. They pride themselves on being tough on thugs and criminals in Alabama, because they “give a rip” about Alabama. So throw the book at that sumbitch.

* No they’re not.

** No llamas contributed to this report.