MANCHESTER, N.H. — A perspiring President Donald J. Trump stunned a small crowd of 500 Sunday night when he introduced a surprise guest, the “Prince of Darkness,” aka “Satan,” to the gathering of supporters at the Manchester Community College auditorium.
Trump was reportedly in town to unveil his plan to deal with the opioid epidemic. Before he actually started talking about it, he announced he had a very special guest to introduce.
“He’s the head of his very own country, and I mean he’s the strong head. Reallly strong. Don’t let anyone think anything different. When he speaks, his people sit up at attention. Believe me; right? And, I told him, I want my people to do the same. So let’s give him a warm round of applause, get out here, Prince. . . there he is, the Prince of Darkness, in person, Satan! Come on out here!”
The auditorium fell silent as Trump immediately began showering praise on “the Prince,” calling him a “very talented guy,” a “smart guy,” and a “very fiery negotiator.” He also complimented Satan’s “great personality,” saying, “He has a very, very warm heart, that I can tell you.”
Trump became more muted in his praise when it came to Satan’s well known record of atrocities, saying only that the Prince “does what he has to do. He does what has to happen.” Christianity has long maintained the Prince of Darkness tortures all of his “country’s” residents, and sends every one of them to labor in camps surrounding a vast lake of fire, working endlessly under the harshest conditions imaginable. He regularly executes anyone he perceives as annoying to him, and these brutal assassinations of Hell’s inhabitants are said to be “continuous” and “never-ending.”
Eventually the president tried to get back on topic, claiming that Satan has confided to him there were no drug problems whatsoever in Hell, because they have “zero tolerance for not only drug dealers, but everybody.” He continued: “We have to be tough. We have to be smart. We have to change the laws, and with the Prince’s help we’re going to do that.”
Trump continued: “And, I can tell you, the ultimate penalty has to be the death penalty.” That’s when a heckler in the crowd stood up and began shouting at Mr. Trump and Satan, while brandishing a handgun and a Folger’s coffee can. “You killed Donnie! You killed Donnie! You killed Donnie!” the man shouted several times, before being wrestled to the floor by others in the audience.
Satan then loudly castigated the man, calling him “obnoxious,” and threatening to set the man on fire. “I will burn you from head to fucking toe if you don’t shut the fuck up.” Witnesses close to the stage say Trump started to speak, but overheard the Prince of Darkness clearly say “Shut the fuck up, Donnie.”
The scene was unusually chaotic however, as more than a dozen men at the gathering— including the heckler and the four men it took to subdue him— were all dressed in beige vests and army surplus clothing, with the intention of emulating fictional character Walter Sobchak from a cult film, The Big Lebowski, by filmmakers Joel and Ethan Coen.
It was later determined all of the men had been attending a “Big Lebowski Party” nearby, when they decided to crash the president’s speech. The Walter Sobchak character is apparently notorious for his propensity to become violent with little or no provocation, suffering post traumatic stress from his experiences as a soldier during the Viet Nam War.
Several of Mr. Trump‘s critics condemned his praise for the Prince of Darkness, but generally were too exhausted by events of the preceding week to actually give a shit. However, Evangelical Christian leaders who unquestionably support Trump were effusive in their confidence that the president was “entirely capable of using the Devil’s tools to bring ‘fire and fury’ ” wherever it was required by God. God did not return our calls for comment.
We sought no comments from Congressional Republicans, because … why the fuck would we do that.
