Rethugs Demand Dems Undergo Empathobotomy

Even before the GOP regained control of the House, they’d successfully cowed Democrats into accepting their terms on legislation ranging from health insurance reform to the extension of the Bush tax cuts. Since then, they have upped their game by extorting large cuts in the social safety net in exchange for extending unemployment insurance to the millions of workers laid off during the Great Bush Recession.

Lesser known victories have occurred on the regulatory front including the Interior Department’s rollback of wild lands designation areas, making them available to the resource rape and extraction industry (Koch Brothers, Massey Mining, et al) [cite]; and the FCC’s elimination of the Fairness Doctrine this week after its chairman received a letter from House Rethugs requesting same.

However, with the 2012 elections fast approaching, the Rethugs are encountering resistance from Dems on issues like the voucherization of Medicare, block granting Medicaid, raising the debt ceiling, making the Bush tax cuts permanent, and demanding trillions of dollars of additional cuts in discretionary spending (sparing the military, of course).

To break the logjam, leading GOP strategists are suggesting a bold and innovative program to remove what they consider to be the single greatest barrier to solving the debt crisis– human compassion.

“Look,” said Grover Dorktwit, plenary speaker at a recent D.C. seminar titled How to Drown Future Grandmas in a Bathtub.  “The country is in dire straights. It absolutely needs to bring its budget under control. The cost of entitlement programs like Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Food Stamps, Pell Grants— the whole damn New Deal liberal agenda— it’s just too high. Too damn high.”

Citing criticism from Dems who complain that GOPers are intent on balancing the budget on the backs of the poor, unemployed, disabled, middle class workers, retirees, students, research scientists, veterans, et al, Dorktwit shot back:

“All this talk about fairness is bs. It’s the billionaires who make this country’s trains run on time, not the passengers riding in coach or freeloading in the baggage compartment. And that includes all those scientists who are perpetuating the global climate change hoax. Trying to panic the taxpayer into funding their research— shame!   Well, their days of sucking at the government teat are over.”

Pressed about the previous GOP president’s commitment to what their former leader George W. Bush called “compassionate conservatism,” Dorktwit sniffed:

“Bush was one of the greatest presidents of all time.  He gave us not one but two humongous tax cuts. And like Ronald Reagan before him, he was a champion of deregulation.  As for the compassion thing, all great presidents are entitled to a mistake or two.”

When confronted with House Majority Leader Eric Cantor‘s demand that disaster relief for victims of the Joplin tornadoes be withheld until Democrats agree to offsetting cuts in other programs, Dorktwit replied:

“It’s time for Americans to accept the fact that this country in bankrupt. And whatever happen to the notion of personal responsibility? Those people in Joplin and elsewhere in Hurricane Alley knew what they were risking when they moved there. They acted improvidently and now they have to accept responsibility for their decisions. Whether they get the help they need depends on the Dems agreeing to more cuts.  The ball is in their court.”

“Look,” he added.  “We’re just trying to create a level playing field here. For whatever reason, images and stories of human suffering  invoke an emotional outpouring of irrational altruism. The DemocRat Party have been exploiting that fact for nearly a century now. It’s time for them to stop demagoguing the issue and return to the values that made this country great— ambition, cunning, and a fearless dedication to being Number One.  The real world demands survival of the fittest.”

“It’s all for one and none for all!” he gushed.

Asked specifically what it would take to realize his goal of making the growing plutocratic hegemony over the country permanent, Dorktwit answered:

“A simple surgical procedure, really. If only half a dozen senators would agree to a little nip/tuck in their brain’s middle prefrontal cortex— problem solved!  I even  know where we can get it done cheap, with little cost to the taxpayer.”

Thanks to a bumper crop in sociopaths, the price of an empathobotomy has fallen to record lows

Asked about criticism that his suggestion is immoral, unethical, and for the surgeons performing the procedure, grounds for lifetime banishment from the medical profession, Dorktwit grew testy:

“This is just more spin and distortion from the liberal media. Calling it “an emotional lobotomy” or an “empathobotomy” is just another pathetic example of sensationalism to sell more advertising. The American people are smart enough to see through that. And we’re going to do our damnest to help them see the light,” he added.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to give a talk on how Social Darwinism can balance the budget and help Republicans get laid.”

[Original poster found here.]