What’s The Skinny?

Pee Wee I need a photo opportunity, I need a shot at redemption. . .


Yeah just click play while we talk.

The Indonesian flight is still missing and the Christie Bridge Fiasco is still expanding faster than his third chin. But it’s Friday, the weekend is here, we be kickin’ back.  So I went out to the guvmint box and got the mail.  Mixed in with the usual metric ton of forest waste paper was a slick, smelly NORDSTROM NERDSTROM Men’s Shop catalog magazine.  Inside were photos of skinny, underdeveloped man-children, wearing clothing that appeared uncomfortably tight, especially everywhere you normally want your clothing to be the most comfortable.
Beh Cause, FASH UN.

Pee Wee DweebyDon’t want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard. . .


They instantly reminded me of Pee-wee Herman;  then I couldn’t see them any other way.

Pee Wee Wee WeeGet these mutts away from me;  I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore. . .

So I did the only snarkological thing I could do:  put Pee-wee in the clothes.  But I did not mess with the clothing itself;  those skinny fucking legs were there already.

PeeWhipped“Boss”??   Ha.  I totally get it now.

But somebody at Nerdstrum’s knew that many people getting their 67 page junka-log would not understand what was up with the death-camp thin fash-un-something, so they included a helpful “Anatomy of a Modern Suit” chart, that points out the what-the-fuckness to us, the great t-shirt/sweatsuit/moomoo wearing masses.

. . .fashion still unduly dominates Urantia.
—The Urantia Papers

*Stereotypical nerds are commonly seen as intelligent but socially and physically awkward.  They are typically perceived as either lacking confidence or being indifferent or oblivious to the negative perceptions held of them by others, with the result that they become frequent objects of scorn, snark, ridicule, bullying, and social isolation.  Stereotypical “nerd” appearance includes very large glasses, braces, severe acne and high-water pants lifted up.  In the media, many nerds are portrayed as being physically unfit, either overweight, or very thin.  

YOU’RE SINKING; WE KEEP GETTING RICHER.


Let’s review. . .
Laurence Lewis:

To Republicans, schadenfreude may be a favorite form of entertainment, but hurting people economically also serves a critical purpose. The more desperate people are to find work, the more likely they will be to accept any work at any wages under any conditions. Kick them while they are down, and try to make them beg. Being able to disparage and demonize them is an added bonus.

Jesus worked, lived, and traded in the world as he found it. He was not an economic reformer, although he did frequently call attention to the injustice of the unequal distribution of wealth. But he did not offer any suggestions by way of remedy. He made it plain to the three that, while his apostles were not to hold property, he was not preaching against wealth and property, merely its unequal and unfair distribution. He recognized the need for social justice and industrial fairness, but he offered no rules for their attainment.
—The Urantia Book

The cleansing of the temple discloses the Master’s attitude toward commercializing the practices of religion as well as his detestation of all forms of unfairness and profiteering at the expense of the poor and the unlearned. This episode also demonstrates that Jesus did not look with approval upon the refusal to employ force to protect the majority of any given human group against the unfair and enslaving practices of unjust minorities who may be able to entrench themselves behind political, financial, or ecclesiastical power. Shrewd, wicked, and designing men are not to be permitted to organize themselves for the exploitation and oppression of those who, because of their idealism, are not disposed to resort to force for self-protection or for the furtherance of their laudable life projects.
—The Urantia Book

Young MultiMillionaire Arrested

Bieber ButtYou’re doing it wrong.

CALABASAS, CA — A callow Canadian pop musician residing in the United States on an O-1 visa was arrested in Miami Beach early Thursday morning for a spontaneous performance involving drag racing, driving under the influence of alcohol and other drugs, and resisting arrest— all under the auspices of an expired Georgia driver’s license.  Nineteen year old Justin Bieber, who lives in Calabasas, was behind the peddles of a rented chicken-yellow Lamborghini when he was stopped by Miami Police.

Miami denizens say Bieber, who was nearly in a “stupor” from a night of tossing some $75,000 in paper currency onto a nightclub floor, was feeling the need for speed.  And if you must know more than that about it, or are just looking for an excuse to take a long shower, go here.

•  •  •

Wanda TalmageA dazed and near comatose Wanda Talmage of Calabasas, California sits slumped against a stunning mirrored pillar in The Commons At Calabasas Mall.

The irony of that “chicken-yellow” Lamborghini was not lost on Wanda Talmage, also of Calabasas, California.  Until last week, Ms Talmage was blissfully unaware of Justin Bieber;  in fact she was so distraught that all she knew for sure was that nearly two dozen of her children were missing, and presumed dead.

Ms Talmage is currently under-employed in a fashionably hip baby chicken mill just off the Ventura Expressway (take the 405 to Ventura, and stay on that until you cross 27, then turn on Mulholland Drive) on the outskirts of trendy Calabasas, the trendy home of numerous trendy and extremely wealthy “Californians,” many of whom have nothing better to do than make wannabe trendy parodies of already trendy parodies.


Want “The Buzz” on Calabasas, eggs and all?  Remember, this is time you can’t get back.

In monster chicken sobs, Ms Talmage recounted how she had been tricked into jizzin’ dozens of eggs for a local man named “Ralphs,” and before she knew what was happening, her embryos were whisked away, subsequently to be sold to one of Justin Bieber’s gofers, Arturo Estrada-Steinmetz.

Estrada-Steinmetz* rolled up to Las Bieb’s, and, boyiz will be boyiz, nearly twenty of Ms Talmage’s unborn were soon scrambled against the neighbor’s entryway plaster, with about the same accuracy a short order chef slings hash.  The neighbor even has a recording of Bieber hurling the eggs.

Admittedly, Talmage’s case will be difficult to make, let alone prosecute.  Beiber’s neighbor, and Miami P.D., not so much.

Of course, not everyone would react as Bieber has to the sudden acquisition of 55 million zemolas fresh out of moist prepubescent pocketbooks from around the world, as well as their undying affection.  Nevertheless, he’s quickly fashioning one hell of a cross to bear.  Here’s hoping he lives long enough to get the job done.

*  Yes, a fictitious foil.

The Tiny Penis Triumvirate

Tiny Penis Sean Tucker DrudgeTucker “Teeny-Weenie” Carlson, Matthew “Mighty Dong” Drudge,
and Sean “Stinger” Hannity with their tiny penis mini-me partners.

 

Before you know it, it’s going to be February again.  And February is Tiny Penis Month, but I bet you knew that.  This year, there’s a three way tie for Tiniest Penis In Media, and of course the media is all engorged over it.  So lock and load, the “winners” are, in order of phallic magnitude:

Matthew Drudge.  In 2006, TIME Magazine named Matthew Drudge one of the 100 most influential people in the world, describing The Drudge Report as “A ludicrous combination of gossip, political intrigue, and extreme weather reports … still put together mostly by the guy who started out as a convenience-store clerk.” Yeah, they forgot “lies,” but.

Sean Hannity.  In 2013, Talkers Magazine listed Sean Hannity as #2 on their “Heavy Hundred” list of the 100 most “important” radio talk show hosts in America.  Inexplicably, the same magazine gave Hannity their “Freedom of Speech” Award in 2003.  And now in 2014, the price of a bucket of warm Elmer Fudd spit has eclipsed the value of their award, as well as any supposed importance of Right Wing Wadio Wackows.

Tucker Carlson.  Oh, and every year, Tucker Carlson is an increasingly tiny dick.  That is all.