Dale “Cashews” Peterson don’t give a rip ’bout no rules.
HOOVER CITY— Yeah hey, some people are watching NBC again.* And the fact is, they might be the same people who thought absent-minded Alabama gun tater tot, Dale Peterson, was absolutely innocent of the most recent shoplifting charges filed against him by some liberal tools who work security at the Hoover City Sam’s Club.
It was jis too “coincidental,” you know; because Peterson-haters been plottin’ on Dale ever since he has been publicly contemplate-ting a run for the presidency— and no, not of the Alabama Agricultural Committee. And no, not of the Public Service Commission of Alabama. But for prisidint of the United States.
Because, Character Assassination. Peterson Haters. Conspiracies. Cashews.
Now it’s a fact it’s crystal clear it’s no coincidence that he’s been arrested for a couple dad-gum shoplifting charges. Dale says in a tweeter, “Sometimes there are coincidences. Sometime there are conspiracies. And sometimes there are just facts. #SomethingAintRight”
Yes. Sometimes there are facts. And sometimes there are conspiracies. And sometimes, things just ain’t right. And sometimes, there are “thugs and criminals” who steal yard signs and who need to be shot in the face. Just maybe not this time.
Oh, yeah, maybe it’s a fact Dale helped himself to a handful of peanuts, or cashews, or some kind of nuts or nut-like substance from a jar, or maybe it was a can he found on some shelf over at neighbor Sam’s place. And he tossed the jar-like thing in his cart and went an did $155 worth of shopping, or was it $750 worth— there are conflicting fact reports— but the fact is by the time he got to the checkout, he realized he didn’t need no more stinkin’ peanuts, or cashews, or whatever, and he was thoughtful an kind enough to restock them— not merely leave them on some random shelf— or shove them aside at the checkout like some thug or criminal might do.
Yes facts are slippery things. And the fact may very well be that Dale Peterson has the recall of a dry-roasted cashew; or meybe a toasted peanut; we jis cain’t rully know fur sure.**
So meybe we need us sum more Peterson mojo:
We’re Republicans, we should be better than that.
Ah will name names and take no prisoners.
—Dale Peterson, lifting a gun to his shoulder
Kathy “Never No Handouts or Laz” Peterson,
and hubby, sahn protictor, and hat enthusiast, Dale
Only one thing is fur sure: someone who was being paid by Sam’s Club to watch for shoplifters was watching Dale Peterson, and they watched him snack on some cashews and then put the jar back on the shelf before he checked out.
Oh, and one other thing for sure. They pride themselves on being tough on thugs and criminals in Alabama, because they “give a rip” about Alabama. So throw the book at that sumbitch.
* No they’re not.
** No llamas contributed to this report.
