Debate Also-Rans Go Down With Happy Rants
The sound check at the Losers Kid’s table got rowdy; a lot of bird flipping, and considerable abuse of little Ricky Santorum. From right (left) front to far right: Ricky Perry; That guy nobody has ever even heard of; Ricky Santorum; Piyush Jindal; Lindsey “Olin” Graham; Carly Fiorina; and a George Pawtucki, or somethin’.
Some “big names” are out of the first Fox News Debate debacle, having been relegated to the “Happy Hour” debate scheduled to air before the main event. And although a spokesman for the man with literally the biggest name, Piyush Subhas Chandra Amrit Hinssein Jindal, had no comment, several other candidates happy-railed against being relegated to the Also-Rans table by Fox News’ top croissant ingestor, Roger Ailes.
As Mitt Romney once sang, the dogs have been let out! Here they are, and they’re howlin’ happy:
CARLY FIORINA “A vast majority of Republican voters, never mind Americans, [gotta love that distinction] still don’t know who I am,” said businesswoman Carly Fiorina. “You have a long way to go here. It’s a long race. We’re all going to need a stiff upper lip, and more than one stiff drink. I’m looking forward to the ‘happy hour’ debate, because you get two drinks just to start.”
JIM GILMORE “Arggle bargle! Arggle bargle! Scotch rocks! Arggle bargle! Arggle bargle!” [WTF]
LINDSEY GRAHAM “You’ve got the Donald Trump debate. Everybody’s gonna be, ‘How will he perform? What will he say?’ Well, when I’m in the first debate, which is the ‘happy hour debate’ at five o’clock, start drinking. By nine o’clock Donald may make sense to you— if you drink enough.” [South Carolina senator Graham (“Call me Olin”) is credited with the term “happy hour debate.” He also criticized the Republican front-runner Trump, calling him a Jackass— which induced the flat-footed multi-billionaire to reveal Graham’s cellphone number.]
PIYUSH JINDAL [No comment. But he is staying at a Holiday Inn Express.]
RICK PERRY Is practicing his presidentialness-ness by speaking through an “adviser”: “The governor is going to have a very thoughtful, well rehearsed conversation about the country, guns, and, and a third thing, you know, that he thinks ought to be done for the opportunity for this country.” [Yeah that was my thought too; just as articulate as the guv.]
GEORGE PATAKI [I’m sorry— who?]
RICK SANTORUM “National polls mean nothing. Unfortunately, Fox News and the RNC have gotten into a, sort of, “man and dog” situation to determine the legitimacy of candidacy. And they have the ability to influence who is in the top ten by the amount of coverage they get, and the amount of advertising dollars.” [No-he-diddent! He said “man and dog.”]
Okay. Back to what passes for the real world. Head propagandist at Fox Roger Ailes is credited with the “Orchestra Pit Theory“— referencing sensationalist political coverage in the news media:
“If you have two guys on a stage and one guy says, ‘I have a solution to the Middle East problem,’ and the other guy falls in the orchestra pit, who do you think is going to be on the evening news?” —Ailes
So maybe Roger is secretly doing the second string batch of buffoons a favor; maybe by pushing them off the main stage and into the mosh pit he’s actually giving them the first shot at showing the electorate what a real clown car debate looks like. . .
Uh, Naww.
They’re both gonna be a debacle.
