The Last Refuge Of A DICK

Whoa…  DICK…  Is that an Alien bursting outa yer chest, or are you just glad you can still get on tee vee to taint the jury pool?

Sorry kids, no time for blogging today, my socialist postal comrade just delivered the July DICK, which I usually use as a harsh laxative.  Although there’s always a Dick on the cover, the mag is not totally dedicated to the current Dick ‘o the walk, Dick Cheney;  they write about every swingin’ dick that’s made it into the Dickipedia, as well as most of the worthy contenders.  But if dicks keep popping out of the woody-work, they may have to go to a weekly publishing schedule.

Dick Cheney soared onto the cover again, this time with the wings of the devil.  His corpulency’s pear-like figure looks alarmingly like a Russian housemaid on steroids,  and the bursting alien head— looks like a dick to me— is an ominous warning to anyone not yet onboard with Dick’s alternate view of the universe.  But the point of the story seems to be that Dickwad is coming in for a last landing, one that ends in a fiery crash that dooms his legacy to a footnote in the history of evil.

And urging his spawn to enter politics is just a desperate attempt to graft her onto the humpback of the gopper-monster so she can continue to rewrite his epitaph. But if anyone can do it, it’s Liz “Dick” Cheney, who seems to have inherited a willingness to walk over talk over anyone who dares contradict her.  And talk of her as VP candidate to Jebby Bush may sound fantastical to some lefties right now, but remember:  teh apocalypse is still coming.

The bulbous schnoz of Richard “Dick” Armey, which tells the story of decades worth of malt scotch abuse, also covers up the full extent of his “Freedom Agenda” of  “lower taxes, less government, and more freedom” for y’all.  (yawn)  But Dick’s homophobia— which oozed out back in 2000 when he said, “…if there’s a dick army, Barney Frank would want to join up”— is alive, and, well, festering under a thin veneer of dickitude.

There’s also the usual line-up of major league dicks like Hannity and Glen (sic) Beck, but this month’s issue of DICK takes another look at a still closeted Miss South Carolina, Lindsey Graham.  Miss Graham recently got all bitchy with Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, and you just knew his bikini thong must’ve been all up in his anus when he showed us just what being an “average, every-day white guy” really meant:  “… She needs to explain herself and she needs to understand she offended me —  some people,” Miss Graham said, with his fists resting firmly on his hips.

Unfortunately, I’ll have to steel myself with something stronger than aged Sumatra before I dive into the latest ditto-discharge pitting Limpbot against Obama as the anti-Christ.  But did you see his Huttness with Sean?  He’s somehow managed to cincher away fifty-eight pounds since February…  Drugs?  Hm.  Maybe flapping those thin reptilian gums just burns more calories than we think.