The most interesting man in the world on one of the least interesting men in the world.
That was my first thought, too: “Does that junk work?” “Does it has an off button?”
WASHINGTON, D.C.— In the face of what looked increasingly like an inevitable blowout by President Obama, Washington beltway wags were ecstatic this week after the nearly powered-off Rombot5000 provided the presidential race with an all-important infusion of high-grade lithium energy.
The surprising up-tick came immediately after an emergency software update just prior to the first presidential debate, dubbed by anonymous programmers as “Severely Moderate 2.0.” Romney Campaign spokesman, Ben Dover, refused any characterization the update was emergency in nature, saying, “This was a planned incremental update, anticipated by Mr. Romney long before his main operating chip had become inarticulate.”
Dover was also tight-lipped about who actually writes and authorizes the downloads, referring all inquiries to the “Billionaires For Romney Consortium.”
Asked if the Rombot5000 would be performing in the next debate with the same upgrade, Dover said it didn’t really matter. “Our polling indicated we would not only win the first debate, but also that we would easily win all three debates, as well as the November 6 election.”
Pressed on specifically how their polling results were anything more than just the biased opinion of a few hundred Republicans, Dover said he wasn’t going to answer hypothetical questions, but that he did have an unspecified quantity of sodium chloride we could “all go pound.”
I know you’re wondering too, who the effen hell is Omney Yan? No— really. Who is he.
“The taller the tree, the sweeter the peach
I’ll give you the whole megillah* in a one word speech”
—Frank Sinatra in Come Blow Your Horn
Quoi de neuf, chiens.* You Leftist Elitists may be unacquainted with Magilla, a cartoon gorilla from the Gorillini tribe, who spends the bulk of his time languishing in the front window of Peebles’ Pet Shop eating beaucoup bananas and being a general drain on a small businessman’s bottom line. Mr. Peebles would heavily discount Magilla’s asking price, and Magilla wound up being repeatedly outsourced for brief quixotic episodes in the “real world”; typically, to Wall Street thieves who needed someone to bail out break into a bank or two, or some other less imaginative malfeasance.
A las, Magilla was always returned to the Pet shop, and full refunds demanded. Because even in cartoons, it’s not about the tasty carrots or the power of cheese; it’s all about the money. Always.
On the other hand. “Megillah” is also one of the five books of the Hebrew scriptures; notable as a long and tedious account of a sort of holocaust prequel, the entire reading of which is often used as a natural sedative during the Jewish holiday of Purim. Hence the birth of the phrase, “The full megillah.” Funny thing; Ahasuerus, dickish ruler of Persia at the time— yeah, same old Persia— also suffered from— wait for it— insomnia. But there was no Book of Esther yet; the poor schmuck had to rely on the not-so-efficacious court records being read to him to help him sleep.
Bof. Where was I— So what has this got to do with the debates between President Obama and Omney Yan? Well yada, the likelihood of some one of Romony’s speechifyin’ sycophants coming up with the zinger “Killa the Magilla” is, adMittedly, much much slimmer than Chris Christie after a twelve month twinkie pizza bender; but hey they’re dorks; it could happen.
More to the point is the narrative around creating zinger “moments” the LoFos (Low information Voters) can extract from what must pass for their cortical overlays, and bring it to bear in the present moment in such a way that it hermetically divorces it from every other stenchi-fied thing they have on file about Mitt Romoney. And at this late date, that should be enough dope to knock down a dancing horse.
So the chances of one of those clowns writing a zinger like that— and having it delivered effectively by the Romoney 2012-5000DW6-J are— in a “one word speech”—
unimaginable.
* What up, dawgs?
Gall Street— where four years ago, 40% of the world’s wealth disappeared.
Original
GALL STREET — No, money never sleeps on Gall Street, but not for the same reasons Mitt Romney never sleeps. Six words: His power cell is fucking awesome. You may have noticed that, even after a very cocky week of stepping on his own willy again and again and again and again, Mitt Romney just keeps on going.
Some say that’s just the nature of mendacious automatons. It’s what they do. But what makes that so alienating is, we’ll never be able to convince them to take personal responsibility and care for their central motor chips.
As a mendacious automaton, Mitt “I didn’t ask you a question” Romney simply has no peer on Gall Street, or Main Street. He can inelegantly articulate more lies and miss more social cues in a half hour of the news cycle than Gilligan Paul R’ayn did in his entire stint in the hell-hole that is the socialist government-paid-for brain-washing college.
But it’s Mitt’s recalcitrant genetic programing as a natural born, sneering plutocrat that will steal your hard working, entitlement-loving American heart; as well as your “entitlement” to inspected food, nanny-government-regulated shelter, for-profit healthcare, and seriously— whatever else you think should be in that “95% Of Life Is Set Up For You If You’re Born In This Country” dream you have.
Although we recently reported on Romney’s likely failure to get past a mere ten questions in the Voight-Kaamff test, it’s gosh darn clear that Rombot is “special.” He definitely doesn’t have a four year political lifespan; he’s been running for CEO of America for at least seven years, maybe even since his whimsical scissor-wielding days in prep-bot school. And:
He can DREAM BIG.
Bigger than you shiftless leeching 47 percenters.
So yeah.
Rich.
Famous.
Galling.
With a very expensive dream, closer than ever to actually coming true.
And guess who’s going to pay for it.
Not the Plutocrats.
Oops. WASHINGTON — A gymnasium full of shocked Reptilicans sat in stunned silence as a gesticulating Mitt Romney told them that President Obama would have a slight advantage at the up-coming debates because… LOL … LOL …LOL
My good friend Propagandee broke it down for yuz when he explained how Paul R’Ayn was a “fucking hypocrite.” But.
