NATIONAL LAUGHINGSTOCK

NatLaughing StockThis month’s national laughingstock just happens to be an adult crybaby.

This sorry-assed excuse for a magazine found its way into my personal space yesterday.  Not only was it not funny, but it pissed me off in a way that I have seldom experienced since I stopped abusing certain vile foamy liquids and other assorted borderline ingestibles.

Many of you are too young in this adventure to remember National LAMPOON magazine, let alone one of their most memorable covers, from January 1973.  (See it here.)  But unlike that cover, this parody did not make me feel sorry for the Boner-as-victim of his own groveling attempts to destroy the American government and …  you know what, just forget it.

Forget all the antics of the Republican “party” for a moment.  Just answer this question:  Why is a sniveling crybaby the Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States?

Is this really the best creature we can squeeze out of our gene pool?

Apparently it is, so then, go ahead, Repuglican’ts;  do your worst, you catatonic douchebags.

America has it coming.

A Few Moments About Our Oldest Living Ancestor.

The human race has no surviving ancestor between the frog, and the Eskimo.

Okay because I’m generally a thoughtful guy, Ima give you a “squeamish” warning about this video;
but yeah, just frog stuff.

THE FROG is the only species ancestor of the early dawn races of mankind now living on the face of the earth.  And there’s this. “Had the ancestral frog of all humanity jumped two inches less on a certain occasion, the whole course of evolution would have been markedly changed.”*

After watching that vid you’re probably wondering if that would have been a bad thing, huh.

*  Paper 62, Section 3, paragraph 9 of The Urantia Book: 

You can hardly realize by what narrow margins your prehuman ancestors missed extinction from time to time. Had the ancestral frog of all humanity jumped two inches less on a certain occasion, the whole course of evolution would have been markedly changed. The immediate lemurlike mother of the dawn-mammal species escaped death no less than five times by mere hairbreadth margins before she gave birth to the father of the new and higher mammalian order.

But the closest call of all was when lightning struck the tree in which the prospective mother of the Primates twins was sleeping. Both of these mid-mammal parents were severely shocked and badly burned; three of their seven children were killed by this bolt from the skies. These evolving animals were almost superstitious. This couple whose treetop home had been struck were really the leaders of the more progressive group of the mid-mammal species; and following their example, more than half the tribe, embracing the more intelligent families, moved about two miles away from this locality and began the construction of new treetop abodes and new ground shelters—their transient retreats in time of sudden danger.

 

The Fox And Friends Fruit Sandwich Has Changed

ROCKAFULLER CENTER, NEW YORK CITY — In what could be an all-time record ratings cou-coup, Fox News Channel aired a jaw-dropping gender role switch on today’s broadcast of “Fox And Friends.”  After some twenty-seven minutes into the broadcast, an alert Fox viewer noticed that “Gretchen Carlson” was actually “Brian Kilmeade,” and Brian Kilmeade was really Gretchen Carlson.  (Steve Douchey was still …

Derpy Pancake Bunny Argument Is Invalid

Derpy Alito Pancake Bunny Derp Sammy is a Pancake Bunny.  Your argument is invalid.

WASHINGTON D.C. —  In an increasingly common display of douchey derpiness, Pancake Bunny and Supreme Court Justice Sammy Alito rolled his eyes and wagged his head as Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg read her dissents from the majority in two employee discrimination cases this week, in which the Court ruled— surprise— in favor of employers.* 

Longtime Supreme Court observer and Pancake Bunny-derp expert, Garrett Eppstien-Barr, called it a simple “dickweed-tantrum” and a “childish display of derpy rudeness.”

Go onnnnnnnn, Garrett:

“Alito pursed his lips, rolled his eyes to the ceiling, and shook his head ‘no.'”  He looked for all the world like Sean Penn as Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, signaling to the homies his contempt for Ray Walston as the bothersome history teacher, Mr. Hand.”

He added that Alito’s acting out “brought gasps from more than one person in the audience.”

A couple weeks ago Alito is also said to have rolled his eyes and shook his head while Justice Sonia Sotomayor was speaking, and glowered at Justice Elena Kagan.  “Yeah bitches, I got this,” he muttered under his breath.

And remember a few years ago Alito got his briefs in a twist when President Barack Obama criticized the Court’s Citizens United ruling during the State of the Union address— while in Mr. Alito’s presence.

Are you getting this yet?  Sammy Alito is simply a rude mother fucker.

 

pancake bunny
The original pancake bunny could not be reached for comment¹, but we’re pretty damned sure he would recuse himself on whether or not Alito is as big a derped-up pancake bunny as he appears.

 

 

* (Vance v. Ball State and University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center v. Nassar)

¹ (He’s dead)

Kiss Your Church Goodbye.

CALL 911:  THIS CHURCH IS ON FIRE FOR GOD! Save yourself, serve yourself World serves its own needs, Listen to your heart bleed Dummy with the rapture And the revered and the right, right You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, Feeling pretty psyched It’s the end of the world as we know it It’s the end of the world …

LIP SERVICE


Yes, she thinks you think she’s speaking extemporaneously; not reading off a teleprompter.

Never hesitate to admit failure. Make no attempt to hide failure under deceptive smiles
and beaming optimism. It sounds well always to claim success, but the end results are appalling.
Such a technique leads directly to the creation of a world of
unreality and to the inevitable crash of ultimate disillusionment.
— The Urantia Book

STILLWATER, MN —  Resplendent in her foxy* deep blue silk jacket and cultured pearls, Michele Bachmann announced she will not seek another term in the United States Congress.

The Tea Party darling’s very long list of denials about why she is not leaving may become more credible, if and when the rumor we are accused of starting turns out to be true:  that she will be joining “Prancersize” inventor Joanna Rohrback‘s firm as its Presidential “Prancer” and Commander-in-Chief horsey:


Another unfortunate example of Camel Toe.  But all is not lost; watch with the volume off.

And speaking of prancing show horseys…  another angry beaver attacked a man on a roadside near Shestakovskoye lake, west of Minsk, Belarus, slicing through an artery in his leg which caused him to bleed to death.  It was the most recent in a string of angry beaver attacks in Belarus, where the beaver population has tripled in the past decade to around 80,000.  Belarusian beavers can weigh up to 65 pounds and stand three feet high.
Experts say the increase in attacks is largely due to springtime aggression in young beavers that are trying to make a name for themselves and stake out their own territory after being forced to leave home by their parents.  Some older beavers can also become disoriented in life and attack out of fear;  others become bitter and vengeful when faced with the inevitable crash of their ultimate disillusionment.
* Foxy  I.e., Fauxy, Republican shemale drag