Young MultiMillionaire Arrested

Bieber ButtYou’re doing it wrong.

CALABASAS, CA — A callow Canadian pop musician residing in the United States on an O-1 visa was arrested in Miami Beach early Thursday morning for a spontaneous performance involving drag racing, driving under the influence of alcohol and other drugs, and resisting arrest— all under the auspices of an expired Georgia driver’s license.  Nineteen year old Justin Bieber, who lives in Calabasas, was behind the peddles of a rented chicken-yellow Lamborghini when he was stopped by Miami Police.

Miami denizens say Bieber, who was nearly in a “stupor” from a night of tossing some $75,000 in paper currency onto a nightclub floor, was feeling the need for speed.  And if you must know more than that about it, or are just looking for an excuse to take a long shower, go here.

•  •  •

Wanda TalmageA dazed and near comatose Wanda Talmage of Calabasas, California sits slumped against a stunning mirrored pillar in The Commons At Calabasas Mall.

The irony of that “chicken-yellow” Lamborghini was not lost on Wanda Talmage, also of Calabasas, California.  Until last week, Ms Talmage was blissfully unaware of Justin Bieber;  in fact she was so distraught that all she knew for sure was that nearly two dozen of her children were missing, and presumed dead.

Ms Talmage is currently under-employed in a fashionably hip baby chicken mill just off the Ventura Expressway (take the 405 to Ventura, and stay on that until you cross 27, then turn on Mulholland Drive) on the outskirts of trendy Calabasas, the trendy home of numerous trendy and extremely wealthy “Californians,” many of whom have nothing better to do than make wannabe trendy parodies of already trendy parodies.


Want “The Buzz” on Calabasas, eggs and all?  Remember, this is time you can’t get back.

In monster chicken sobs, Ms Talmage recounted how she had been tricked into jizzin’ dozens of eggs for a local man named “Ralphs,” and before she knew what was happening, her embryos were whisked away, subsequently to be sold to one of Justin Bieber’s gofers, Arturo Estrada-Steinmetz.

Estrada-Steinmetz* rolled up to Las Bieb’s, and, boyiz will be boyiz, nearly twenty of Ms Talmage’s unborn were soon scrambled against the neighbor’s entryway plaster, with about the same accuracy a short order chef slings hash.  The neighbor even has a recording of Bieber hurling the eggs.

Admittedly, Talmage’s case will be difficult to make, let alone prosecute.  Beiber’s neighbor, and Miami P.D., not so much.

Of course, not everyone would react as Bieber has to the sudden acquisition of 55 million zemolas fresh out of moist prepubescent pocketbooks from around the world, as well as their undying affection.  Nevertheless, he’s quickly fashioning one hell of a cross to bear.  Here’s hoping he lives long enough to get the job done.

*  Yes, a fictitious foil.

The Tiny Penis Triumvirate

Tiny Penis Sean Tucker DrudgeTucker “Teeny-Weenie” Carlson, Matthew “Mighty Dong” Drudge,
and Sean “Stinger” Hannity with their tiny penis mini-me partners.

 

Before you know it, it’s going to be February again.  And February is Tiny Penis Month, but I bet you knew that.  This year, there’s a three way tie for Tiniest Penis In Media, and of course the media is all engorged over it.  So lock and load, the “winners” are, in order of phallic magnitude:

Matthew Drudge.  In 2006, TIME Magazine named Matthew Drudge one of the 100 most influential people in the world, describing The Drudge Report as “A ludicrous combination of gossip, political intrigue, and extreme weather reports … still put together mostly by the guy who started out as a convenience-store clerk.” Yeah, they forgot “lies,” but.

Sean Hannity.  In 2013, Talkers Magazine listed Sean Hannity as #2 on their “Heavy Hundred” list of the 100 most “important” radio talk show hosts in America.  Inexplicably, the same magazine gave Hannity their “Freedom of Speech” Award in 2003.  And now in 2014, the price of a bucket of warm Elmer Fudd spit has eclipsed the value of their award, as well as any supposed importance of Right Wing Wadio Wackows.

Tucker Carlson.  Oh, and every year, Tucker Carlson is an increasingly tiny dick.  That is all.

 

Trouble In McDonaldland

The flagship burger of McDonaldland is the Big Mac, shown above with a list of its ingredients supplied by McDonalds. McDONALDLAND —  Refusing to answer questions about Mayor McCheese‘s crack cocaine use, McLisa McComb, a spokeswoman for McDonald’s USA, announced the demise of the online presence of the McResource program, following the solicited appearance on their McWebsite of  “unnecessary McViews …

Stan Hartman Has Left The Planet

Stan

Stan Hartman
May 5, 1941  —  Eternity

BOULDER, CO —  Around four o’clock Mountain Standard Time this morning,  Stan Hartman left his flesh body once and for all, and headed for the Mansion Worlds.

He left a few decades sooner than anyone who knows him would like, but then it wasn’t our decision.  The cancer that became Stan’s ticket to the next world was painful, to be sure.  But like most things Stan encounters, be bore it with the graceful and manly dignity of a son of God;  something that we have always associated with Stan.

It’s not yet time to publicly reflect on Stan’s earth life.  I’m sure we’ll have a joyful group celebration of his earth life soon enough.  This post is just a memento for the many friends and loved ones he leaves behind, a sort of benchmark wherewith we can distinguish the days when we could depend on seeing him somewhere out in the world, from his more or less sudden departure to his Mansion World resurrection and continuing life.  There’s a few more things worth mentioning in that regard beneath the fold.

•   •   •

Mortal identity on a world like ours is a very transient time-life condition in the universe;  and by design, absolutely no one knows how long they have here.  What’s more, our identity is real only in so far as any person elects to become a continuing universe phenomenon. The Indwelling Spirit is truly our path to Paradise, but each of us must pursue that path by our own deciding and freewill choosing.*

And it is this very power of choice— the universe insignia of freewill creaturehood— that constitutes our greatest opportunity, and in fact, our supreme cosmic responsibility.

Upon the sincerity of the mortal free will the divine Spirit within depends for eternal personality;  upon the faithfulness of mortal choice the Universal Father depends for the realization of a new ascending son or daughter.  All will creatures are to experience one true opportunity to make one undoubted, self-conscious, and final choice;  the soul of man must and will be given full and ample opportunity to reveal its true intent and real purpose.

When the more spiritually and cosmically advanced mortals die on the worlds of time and space, they proceed immediately to the mansion worlds;  the worlds where all who survive the life in the flesh initially continue their existence.  Stan is such a person, and it’s a hoot to know he might be able to watch his own memorial service.   But most of us— yeah I’m looking at me— will be assigned to the ranks of the sleeping survivors, who will be repersonalized en masse at the end of the current planetary dispensation.
Yes, of course, there are some serious difficulties that hamper our efforts to understand just what happens to us in death, just what it is that actually survives death.  One of these difficulties consists in the impossibility of conveying to our level of comprehension an adequate description of a transaction on the borderland of the physical and spiritual realms.  Sorry about that.    Another is brought about by the restrictions placed upon the revelators of truth by the celestial governing authorities of Urantia.  There are many interesting details which might have been presented in The Urantia Book, but our immediate planetary supervisors, sticklers all, nixed most of them.  They know who we are.  But they did say this much:
THE URANTIA BOOK:

There is something real, something of human evolution, something additional to the [Indwelling Spirit], which survives death.  This newly appearing entity is the soul, and it survives the death of both your physical body and your material mind.  This entity is the conjoint child of the combined life and efforts of the human you in liaison with the divine you, the [Indwelling Spirit].  This child of human and divine parentage constitutes the surviving element of terrestrial origin;  it is the immortal soul.

This child of persisting meaning and surviving value is wholly unconscious during the period from death to repersonalization and is in the keeping of the seraphic destiny guardian throughout this season of waiting.  You will not function as a conscious being, following death, until you attain the new consciousness of [soul] on the mansion worlds.

At death, the functional identity associated with the human personality is disrupted through the cessation of vital motion. Human personality, while transcending its constituent parts, is dependent on them for functional identity. The stoppage of life destroys the physical brain patterns for mind endowment, and the disruption of mind terminates mortal consciousness. The consciousness of that creature cannot subsequently reappear until a cosmic situation has been arranged which will permit the same human personality again to function in relationship with living energy.

During the transit of surviving mortals from the world of origin to the mansion worlds, whether they experience personality reassembly on the third period or ascend at the time of a group resurrection, the record of personality constitution is faithfully preserved by the archangels on their worlds of special activities.  These beings are not the custodians of personality (as the guardian seraphim are of the soul), but it is nonetheless true that every identifiable factor of personality is effectually safeguarded in the custody of these dependable trustees of mortal survival.  As to the exact whereabouts of mortal personality during the time intervening between death and survival, we do not know.

The situation which makes repersonalization possible is brought about in the resurrection halls of the receiving planets of a local universe.  Here in these life-assembly chambers the supervising authorities provide that relationship of universe energy— soul, mindal, and spiritual— which makes possible the reconsciousizing of the sleeping survivor.  The reassembly of the constituent parts of a onetime material personality involves:

  • The fabrication of a suitable form, a [soul] energy pattern, in which the new survivor can make contact with nonspiritual reality, and within which the [necessary] variant of the cosmic mind can be encircuited.
  • The return of the [Indwelling Spirit] to the waiting creature.  The [Indwelling Spirit] is the eternal custodian of your ascending identity;  your [Indwelling Spirit] is the absolute assurance that you yourself and not another will occupy the form created for your personality awakening.  And the [Indwelling Spirit] will be present at your personality reassembly to take up once more the role of Paradise guide to your surviving self.
  • When these prerequisites of repersonalization have been assembled, the seraphic custodian of the potentialities of the slumbering immortal soul, with the assistance of numerous cosmic personalities, bestows this entity upon and in the awaiting mind-body form while committing this evolutionary child of the Supreme to eternal association with the waiting [Indwelling Spirit].  And this completes the repersonalization, reassembly of memory, insight, and consciousness— identity.

The fact of repersonalization consists in the seizure of the encircuited [soul] phase of the newly segregated cosmic mind by the awakening human self.  The phenomenon of personality is dependent on the persistence of the identity of selfhood reaction to universe environment;  and this can only be effected through the medium of mind.  Selfhood persists in spite of a continuous change in all the factor components of self;  in the physical life the change is gradual;  at death, and upon repersonalization, the change is sudden.  The true reality of all selfhood (personality) is able to function responsively to universe conditions by virtue of the unceasing changing of its constituent parts;  stagnation terminates in inevitable death.  Human life is an endless change of the factors of life unified by the stability of the unchanging personality.

And when you thus awaken on the mansion worlds of Jerusem, you will be so changed, the spiritual transformation will be so great that, were it not for your [Indwelling Spirit] and the destiny guardian, who so fully connect up your new life in the new worlds with your old life in the first world, you would at first have difficulty in connecting your new consciousness with the reviving memory of your previous identity.  Notwithstanding the continuity of personal selfhood, much of the mortal life would at first seem to be a vague and hazy dream.  But time will clarify many mortal associations.

The [Indwelling Spirit] will recall and rehearse for you only those memories and experiences which are a part of, and essential to, your universe career.  If the [Indwelling Spirit] has been a partner in the evolution of aught in the human mind, then will these worth-while experiences survive in the eternal consciousness of the [Indwelling Spirit].  But much of your past life and its memories, having neither spiritual meaning nor survival value, will perish with the material brain; much of material experience will pass away as onetime scaffolding which, having bridged you over to the next level, no longer serves a purpose in the universe. But personality and the relationships between personalities are never scaffolding; mortal memory of personality relationships has cosmic value and will persist. On the mansion worlds you will know and be known, and more, you will remember, and be remembered by, your onetime associates in the short but intriguing life on Urantia.¹

Indeed.  Here here.  There there.  We’ll miss you, brother Stan;  you know how much we’re looking forward to being in your company again.

•   •   •

* Human beings possess identity only in the material sense.  Such qualities of the self are expressed by the material mind as it functions in the energy system of the intellect.  When it is said that man has identity, it is recognized that he is in possession of a mind circuit which has been placed in subordination to the acts and choosing of the will of the human personality.  But this is a material and purely temporary manifestation, just as the human embryo is a transient parasitic stage of human life.  Human beings, from a cosmic perspective, are born, live, and die in a relative instant of time;  they are not enduring.  But mortal personality, through its own choosing, possesses the power of transferring its seat of identity from the passing material-intellect system, to the higher soul system which, in association with the [Indwelling Spirit], is created as a new vehicle for continuing personality manifestation in the universe.

¹  This entire quote was edited for clarity of terms.

 

HAPPY MONDAY. This is for you, Peter O’Toole

This is for you, Peter O’Toole.

 

“I will not be a common man. I will stir the smooth sands of monotony.”
—Peter O’Toole

TED CRUZ TALKS TO GRILLED SAUSAGE

Ted Cruz DoGSenator Ted Cruz walked out of the Mens Congressional restroom Friday, talking to a levitating ballpark frank.

Ted Cruz Chats With His Lunch in the Congressional Men’s Room

WASHINGTON—  A partially dressed and apparently deranged Senator Ted Cruz (®Texas), emerged from the Congressional Men’s room Friday, alternately sobbing and talking coherently with an apparently invisible sausage or hot dog, which he claimed was hovering just above his head in front of him.

The Senator, who was shirtless and covered with dark paw marks of some sort was met outside the restroom by a phalanx of Capital Hill reporters with recording devices and a few snickers.

When asked why he was sobbing, Cruz responded, “Look!  Just look what they did to my sweet little dog, Teddy;  Obamacare grilled my sweet little dog.  Well, why doesn’t he try and say it to my dog’s face!”

“Um, where is your dog Teddy now, sir?” asked Fox News reporter, Ed Henry.  “There— right there in the lights, just in front of me” replied Cruz, staring off to the ceiling.  The senator then made a series of little stroking motions, as if he were petting a dog;  an uncomfortable silence was broken by the arrival of Capital Hill Security, who gingerly escorted the Senator from the room.

Cruz, who Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) recently said was “…a laughing stock to everybody but him,” led the costly Tea Party debacle which shut down the United States Government for sixteen days;  current estimates say the shutdown cost 900,000 jobs.  Conservative pundicks say this is exactly the kind of thing that will endear him to the angry dead-ender conservative base, who are determined to vote against their own best interest, even if it means voting for a douche who talks to hotdogs while laying cable.