The Usual Suspects

The Usual Derp SuspectsMay the derp with the biggest head win. Click for too close.

WATERLOO, IOWA —   Jimmy Joe Johnson, a member of the Iowa GOP’s State Central Committee and a former Iowa adviser to Ricky Santorum, said he spoke with unannounced praisedential candidate Ted Cruz about “tweaking” his economics-heavy message to best win over Iowa conservatives.

“You’ve got to enunciate the moral themes here,” Johnson told him, “Get a bigger cross, and wear it above your flag pin.  If you don’t, you’ll lose.”  So Ted tweaked it.

You’re probably surprised to see a super-slimmed-down Chris Christie front and center in the lineup.  No more than we are;  here’s what happened.  Six weeks ago Christie promised himself that if he “lost” a little bit in two months, he would lob the rest of his weight into the ring.  Nobody asked him whether he meant lose a kilo of cannabis, or cocaine, or human fat; or, you know, lost ground politically in New Jersey.  And we’re not sure why losing something is incentive to try and win something, but he swears— a lot— that he lost it;  well, actually he swears he’s just no longer looking for it.

And then there’s citizen Ricky Santorum.

On the left end, a cranky little* Marco Rubio won’t shut up about nothing in particular.  And on the far right end, crippled Verbal Kint look-alike,** Randy Paul, who is still sniggering over that CPAC thing, is currently berating “potheads” that they’ll stop wanting to show up for work if they smoke all the time, annnnnd, they’ll get stupid and lazy and lose IQ points.  But Randy is drawing on real world experience:  remember that “Aqua Buddha” episode with his roomie?  No?  Seriously, NO??

Have you been smoking?

 

 

*  “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter

**  Also “Not tall enough to be president.” —Mr. Ann Coulter

The original Usual Suspects.

What’s The Skinny?

Pee Wee I need a photo opportunity, I need a shot at redemption. . .


Yeah just click play while we talk.

The Indonesian flight is still missing and the Christie Bridge Fiasco is still expanding faster than his third chin. But it’s Friday, the weekend is here, we be kickin’ back.  So I went out to the guvmint box and got the mail.  Mixed in with the usual metric ton of forest waste paper was a slick, smelly NORDSTROM NERDSTROM Men’s Shop catalog magazine.  Inside were photos of skinny, underdeveloped man-children, wearing clothing that appeared uncomfortably tight, especially everywhere you normally want your clothing to be the most comfortable.
Beh Cause, FASH UN.

Pee Wee DweebyDon’t want to end up a cartoon in a cartoon graveyard. . .


They instantly reminded me of Pee-wee Herman;  then I couldn’t see them any other way.

Pee Wee Wee WeeGet these mutts away from me;  I don’t find this stuff amusing anymore. . .

So I did the only snarkological thing I could do:  put Pee-wee in the clothes.  But I did not mess with the clothing itself;  those skinny fucking legs were there already.

PeeWhipped“Boss”??   Ha.  I totally get it now.

But somebody at Nerdstrum’s knew that many people getting their 67 page junka-log would not understand what was up with the death-camp thin fash-un-something, so they included a helpful “Anatomy of a Modern Suit” chart, that points out the what-the-fuckness to us, the great t-shirt/sweatsuit/moomoo wearing masses.

. . .fashion still unduly dominates Urantia.
—The Urantia Papers

*Stereotypical nerds are commonly seen as intelligent but socially and physically awkward.  They are typically perceived as either lacking confidence or being indifferent or oblivious to the negative perceptions held of them by others, with the result that they become frequent objects of scorn, snark, ridicule, bullying, and social isolation.  Stereotypical “nerd” appearance includes very large glasses, braces, severe acne and high-water pants lifted up.  In the media, many nerds are portrayed as being physically unfit, either overweight, or very thin.  

YOU’RE SINKING; WE KEEP GETTING RICHER.


Let’s review. . .
Laurence Lewis:

To Republicans, schadenfreude may be a favorite form of entertainment, but hurting people economically also serves a critical purpose. The more desperate people are to find work, the more likely they will be to accept any work at any wages under any conditions. Kick them while they are down, and try to make them beg. Being able to disparage and demonize them is an added bonus.

Jesus worked, lived, and traded in the world as he found it. He was not an economic reformer, although he did frequently call attention to the injustice of the unequal distribution of wealth. But he did not offer any suggestions by way of remedy. He made it plain to the three that, while his apostles were not to hold property, he was not preaching against wealth and property, merely its unequal and unfair distribution. He recognized the need for social justice and industrial fairness, but he offered no rules for their attainment.
—The Urantia Book

The cleansing of the temple discloses the Master’s attitude toward commercializing the practices of religion as well as his detestation of all forms of unfairness and profiteering at the expense of the poor and the unlearned. This episode also demonstrates that Jesus did not look with approval upon the refusal to employ force to protect the majority of any given human group against the unfair and enslaving practices of unjust minorities who may be able to entrench themselves behind political, financial, or ecclesiastical power. Shrewd, wicked, and designing men are not to be permitted to organize themselves for the exploitation and oppression of those who, because of their idealism, are not disposed to resort to force for self-protection or for the furtherance of their laudable life projects.
—The Urantia Book