The Unambiguously DULL DUO

Thursday night America’s new dream duo, Willard Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, will lay
out their plans for America’s future under Republican rule.  Hold onto your butts.

TAMPA — Come hell or high water, (the latter still a distinct possibility) on Thursday night the Republican Party will send its new “Comeback Team” packing. That is, packing for the campaign trail, like there’s no Republican tomorrow if they don’t.

Not everyone is thrilled with the “Comeback Team.”  While “some people” are calling them the “Dream Duo,” some others would rather call them the “Dull Duo.” (Don’t say that too fast.)  In fact, they are openly and unambiguously disappointed with the Romney-Ryan ticket, and feel at this point the only thing that can rescue the ticket and the party is a great speech that will agitate the base for the home stretch, from The Willard himself.

Naturally, we wanted to be the first to get our hands on Willard’s speech, but realizing that’s totally impossible, we decided to write it ourselves.

Here then, unedited but dramatically shortened for lack of content, is Mitt Romney‘s acceptance speech at the 2012 Republican National Convention:

Hello and Ola, What is up Americans!  Some of you have let the dogs out again!
Well trust me — I know where dogs belong!  (Best Self-effacing Laugh: AhHa Ha Ha ha ha!)  (Pause for applause)

As some of you know, these are desperate times for those of us with multiple homes but without good-paying jobs, unemployed people like me, and that’s why I’m running for president, and why my very very close partner and long-time friend, Paul Ryan, is also running for presi, for vice-president.  Now I know some of you people have said our respective positions look really uncomfortable, but I assure you we are a team!  We are the “COMEBACK TEAM,” and we are going to make America come back!  (Pause for applause)

Now it is a lonely job, but we are not alone;  we have many many corporate persons who are indissolubly partnering with us, to defeat the evil that is now ripping my, our wonderful way of life, apart.  Yes, I’m talking about the impostor in the White House!  (Pause for applause)

Let’s just call him the “Impostor In Chief,” shall we? (Pause for thunderous applause)

This is a man who still gets asked, and nearly every day,  for his real birth certificate!  (Pause for applause or booing)

This is a man who is, as some people have said, not a “real American,” because he has clearly dedicated himself to stealing your votes by any means necessary, including, but not limited to, increasing the taxes on America’s wealthiest citizens!  (Pause for boos)

This is a man who is making you and me pay for other people’s health care costs!  (Pause for booing)

This is a man who has gutted the work requirements from our very generous welfare programs!  (Pause for extended booing)

And many of those entitlement-loving people are not citizens, and like our Impostor In Chief, are not real Americans!  But I assure you, if they will not take the hint and use self-deportation, then by golly, I’ve got the ca-joe-neys [sic] to send them back to wherever they came from!  (Pause for thunderous applause)  (Point and laugh, make thumbs up sign to audience)

My friends, this is a man who is is also trying to convince good Americans to force me, through terrible lies and innuendo, to release my private tax returns!  (Pause for boos)
But you know, it’s still a free country, my friends!  And your privacy and my privacy are worth fighting for!  Let’s keep our private affairs private, shall we?!  Are you with me?!?  (Pause for thunderous applause)

Are there any women here?  (Laugh: Hahaha!)  (Pause for cheering, screaming women)
Now I’ve heard there’s a lot of talk out there about a “War on Women,” or some such nonsense.  Of course we Republicans love our women, and especially when they are still too small to stand up for their rights.  That’s why as your next president, I’m guaranteeing you right here, right now, that our children are a blessing, and no matter who caused them to be issued, we will no longer allow them to be put to death in America.  No exceptions!  (Pause briefly for possible confusion/applause)

My friends, one more thing is certain:  Our great Christian nation— our Nordic heritage— our best-in-the-world health insurance industry— will not survive… unless we get the curse that is ObamaCare off our backs!
And with your help, and your contributions, we can do it! (Make sure web address crawls across screen) (Pause for extended applause)

You know, it’s a new, but still very much the same, highly dangerous world out there that would like to see the United States, and our friends in Israel, destroyed.  (Pause for booing)
My friends, we live in the greatest nation on earth.  So do you really want to let the cowardly Obama administration avoid a war so your way of life can be destroyed by religious fanatics from Iran?!?  (Pause for collective shout of “NO!”)
I will not let that happen!  (Pause for cheers)

As your new Commander in Chief, I will use every last one of our brave men and women in the military to turn Iran’s evil plans to radioactive dust!  (Pause for thunderous protracted cheering, chanting, and applause)
And with your help, and your contributions, (make sure web address crawls across screen) we can make our message of freedom and democracy get viral around the world.

God Bless you, and God Bless the real Americans in the United States of America.  (Let the balloons out!)

America, Come Back!

America, Come Back!

America, Come Back!

America, Come Back!

America, Come Back!

America, Come Back!