SATAN MAGAZINE ANNOUNCES LIQUID OF THE YEAR

I’m always on the look-out for new benchmarks of Right Wing crazy,
especially where it involves religious ideas.  But sometimes those
“benchmarks” find me.  It was nearly lunchtime, and I was craving
some tasty beef tongue tacos (lengua), and happened upon a Mexican
grill in the little American burg of Cumming, Georgia.  Uh huh, a real place.
I slid into a brightly painted wooden booth next to a window, and lo, there
on the seat was an unblemished copy of the March issue of “SATAN Magazine.”

I’m sure like me you’ve never even heard of it.  But there was the omnipresent
Rick Santorum on the cover, looking all Jerry Seinfeld/Kenneth Parcell nut-waddled,
being honored as “Liquid of the Year.”  Of course I had to take a peek inside,
at least until the tongue tacos showed up.  And just, wow;  I was totally flummoxed
by what I read.

Indeed, the cover story was written by Satan— or well, maybe, somebody just like him.
If you follow the news, you know that Santorum is being handed a pussload of  PR
because of his penchant for placing Satan on such a high pedestal, one that actually
allows him to launch “attacks” on the United States.  And Satan takes full credit for
Santorum‘s willingness to blather on and on about him, as if Satan were somehow
more powerful than God himself:

Rick Santorum:

If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age?  There is no one else to go
after other than the United States, [Often referred to as “The Great Satan” by certain middle
eastern religious fanatics; coincidence?  I think not.] and that has been the case now for almost
two hundred years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.

He [Satan] didn’t have much success in the early days. [Hmmm;  just forget that Adam and Eve,
knowledge of good and evil bullshit;  oh, and that murdering-of-the-Son-of-God-thing; I’m sure anyone
as powerful as Rick thinks Satan is didn’t have a thing to do with that, either.] Our great foundation
was very strong, in fact, is very strong [Despite how currently destroyed the rest of the nation’s
house supposedly is.]  But over time, that great, acidic quality of time corrodes even the
strongest foundations. [Huh; well I guess we’re just all doomed then?] And Satan has done so
[I know—what the fuck has “that great, acidic quality of time” got to do with Satan…] by attacking
the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality
[which, after all, if truth be told, were possibilities created by God’s gift of freewill choice, eh?]
as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has [sic] so deeply rooted in the great
American tradition.

He was successful.  He attacks all of us and he attacks all of our institutions.
The place where he was, in my mind, [really?? In your mind??] the most successful
and first successful [sic] was in academia. He understood pride [sic]of smart people.
He attacked them at their weakest, that they were, in fact, smarter than everybody
else and could come up with something new and different. [That’s right, truth is
actually frozen in ancient biblical times, how dare anyone think the Spirit of Truth—
the “teacher” Paul says was sent by Christ— has anything new to teach succeeding generations.]
Pursue new truths, deny the existence of truth, play with it because they’re smart.
And so academia, a long time ago, fell. [Except for Rick’s professors; they were unswayed
by Satan, all worth listening to, and thus his three degrees are perfectly valid and not at all
snobbish or elitist.]

And you say “what could be the impact of academia falling?” Well, I would have the
argument that the other structures that I’m going to talk about here had root of their
destruction because of academia.  [Education bad!  Ignorance good!]  Because what
academia does is educate the elites in our society, [Except me…] educates the leaders
in our society, particularly at the college level.  And they were the first to fall.
[Hear me today, and believe me tomorrow: Except, like I already tried to tell you— why
are you so stupid??— for Rick’s professors, who were immune to Satan’s sophistries, and
thus Rick‘s three degrees do NOT make him an elitist smarty-pants.]

And so what we saw this [sic] domino effect, once the colleges fell and those who
were being education [sic] in our institutions, the next was the church, because Satan
can only concentrate on one of our great institutions at a time.  Now you’d say, ‘wait,
the Catholic Church’?  No. [The Catholics were apparently immune to any Satanic influence.]
We all know that this great country was founded on a Judeo-Christian ethic, but the
Judeo-Christian ethic was a Protestant Judeo-Christian ethic, sure, the Catholics had
some influence, but this was a Protestant country and the Protestant ethic,
mainstream, mainline Protestantism, and of course we look at the shape of mainline
Protestantism in this country and it is in shambles, it is gone from the world of
Christianity as I see it. [Is that the mother of all run-on sentences or what?!?]  So they
[the bad, liberal, fallen college professors] attacked mainline Protestantism, they
attacked the Church, and what better way to go after smart people who also
believe they’re pious, [But aren’t really even as smart as Rick Santorum, yo—] to use
both vanity and pride to also go after the Church.

After that, you start destroying the Church and you start destroying academia,
[Huh?? But I thought you said… oh fuck never mind.] the culture is where their [WTF?
Who is “their”?? All the Satanic minions?] next success was and I need not even go into
the state of the popular culture today.  Whether its [sic] sensuality of vanity of the
famous in America, [Okay, now do try to get that: “sensuality of vanity of the famous in
America” …] they are peacocks on display and they have taken their poor behavior
and made it fashionable. [He’s lookin’ right at you, Hollywood liberal Mother Fuckers!]
The corruption of culture, the corruption of manners, [Yes “manners,” you pigs.] the
corruption of decency is now on display whether it’s the NBA [Oh, the heartbreak
of evil tattoos!] or whether it’s a rock concert [Put those fucking lighters away, you
imbeciles.] or whether it’s on a movie set. [ Yeah, ANY movie set. Moving pictures = pure EVIL. ]

The fourth, and this was harder, now I know you’re going to challenge me on this one,
but politics and government [Isn’t that “fourth” and fifth?] was the next to fall.  You say,
‘You would think they would be the first to fall, as fallible as we are in politics,’
[What? The? Fuck? You mean it’s not Satan’s fault after all that???  You’re a fucking lunatic, dude.]
but people in political life get elected by ordinary folks from lots of places all over the
country where the foundations of this country are still strong. So while we may certainly
have had examples, the body politic held up fairly well up until the last couple of decades,
but it is falling too.

I know what you’re thinking.

Where the hell are those tacos…