Please Don’t Ask and Don’t Tell

What’s that smell? Can’t you smell that smell?
—Lynyrd Skynyrd

STEVE DOUCHEY: All right. Thank you very much for teeing up that clip.  Joining us, very much alive this morning, is Senator John Sidney McCain, affectionately known around here as Captain Underpants. Good morning to you, Captain, sir.

SEN. UNDERPANTS: What?  We’re already on?  I’ve gotta change my— um— okay.

DOUCHEY: Uh— so kind of you to be here completely alive with us this morning sir, and I sincerely thank you for taking time to be so alive with us here at Fox.
Please explain for all the millions upon millions of fine Americans, patriots, really, out there across America, relying on us for their daily guidance, your position on this somewhat amusing attempt by the gay agenda-run Obama Administration to repeal the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell thingy, and just why it’s, number 1, evil, number 2, disgusting, and number 3, simply a horrible bad idea to rescind that?

SEN. UNDERPANTS:  Sure, sure. It was a rare good policy developed for the Clinton Administration by one of our guys. [audible flatulence] Then Republican, now Turn-coat General Colin Powell was one of the major factors. But it is still working.  We have the best trained, best equipped, most heterosexual military money can buy, and we still got’em goin’[audible flatulence] in two wars.

As you know, I spend a lot of time with the military given my enviable position on the Armed Services Committee and deep background and the fact is, that it is working just fine for us.  Not a single one of “them” has ever hit on me. But. When one of “them” violates the policy, we just throw their— we throw them out of our military. They are no longer worthy to carry a weapon or translate Arabic for our great country.  And the vast heterosexual majority of members of the military [audible squirting sound] find it works out fine to not know who would like to get in to your fatigues, in the middle of the night, and in the middle of two wars. [audible flatulence] That should be our little secret, I think. That way we can have our straight and eat it too. We keep—

DOUCHEY: You mean “have our ‘cake’ and eat it too,” don’t you, Captain?

UNDERPANTS: What?

DOUCHEY: um. nevermind. Sorry. Go ahead, sir.

UNDERPANTS: We keep mission critical people but we don’t have to know they’re not normal, like us. Out of sight, out of mind, and uh, out of our pants, or out of the military.  But, but, but to change a policy of this secret nature, I think would be a serious mistake. [audible explosive flatulence]

ALLYSON CAMEROTA: Captain, I saw you clapping with what I thought was particular relish last night when the President brought up earmarks.  Let’s play a little bit of what the President said and see if we can get you to illicit a response. [sic]

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA (Video Clip):  Tonight I’m calling on congress to publish all earmark requests on a single web site before there is a vote so that the American people can see how their money is being spent.

CAMEROTA: [general laughter] Wasn’t that amusing? So what do you think of that!?

UNDERPANTS: Oh,  [protracted audible squirting sounds] I too think it’s amusing as well.  So we’ll take care of the earmarks and corruption by putting it [sic] on a web site!  What a real presdint should have said— what I would have said— [ aside to Douchey: if that c*nt hadn’t fucked up my shot at the Oval Office!  (inaudible) What? (inaudible)  No, the one from Alaska. ] I would have said,  I’m gonna VETO the hell outa anything that comes over, under, around, or anywhere near my desk in the Oval Office, with these corrupting earmarks and their tasty pork barbecue projects, and other things my colleagues are trying to win for their constituents which ballooned our deficit, and then soundly reject it by [sic] the American people and corruption. [sic]  [brief awkward silence followed by brief audible flatulence]

I mean, I was almost entertained by it, because the fact is, that the earmarking on the bills last year were in the tens of thousands!  And it’s got to stop. We know it breeds corruption. We know it breeds debate about what we’re actually spending America’s money on.  But most importantly, how can we continue to afford to expend taxpayers’ dollars on irritable bowel syndrome? [audible flatulence]

KILMEADE: Excuse me? Did you really just say, “irritable bowel syndrome”?  [audible squirting sounds] That’s got me thinking it’s somewhat off the old alimentary track. There was a poll that asked,  what do you think of the President’s proposals?  83% of the country said, hey, they sound good.  Now what about— is President Hussein Obama gonna be able to accomplish any of the goals he laid out?  I mean, really!  That punk is so amusing!  The guy is just arrogant!  But whatever.  About half said yes.  42%. For the most part, what the President outlined, was it pie in the sky, or is some of this crazy Kenyan stuff actually doable?  For example, that crazy massive government take-over of the health care business that promises to destroy our country.  Can they bring it back and get a single Republican vote and push it through?

UNDERPANTS:  Well, let me say [audible squirting sounds] a lot of the assistance for small business I support and overdue [sic] and I would love to see some of that done.  I’m sure we can. Obviously the presdint missed – or more likely did not understand the message of the Massachusetts election.  It was about a great candidate of ours named Scott— Scott— [audible squirting sounds] something or other, and it was about health care and the American people overwhelmingly want it stopped and want us to start all over again, go back to the beginning.  It was all happening so fast.  [audible squirting sounds]
When the Presdint said, if anybody has got an idea, et cetera, et cetera, well we’re still talking about medical malpractice reform, goin’ across state lines for insurance policies, reward of wellness and fitness, [squirting flatulence] all kinds of proposals— which have been rejected out-of-hand by the democrats and the white house.  So to say that there is nobody with – if you got a better idea, we’ve been talking about it for years and years on the floor of the senate.  Medical malpractice reform can save hundreds of trillions of dollars.

DOUCHEY: Captain, when the black President Barack Hussein Obama said, if anybody has any good ideas, let me know, I thought it was really amusing because I thought about you—  [squirting sounds] because just a day or so before we were told that apparently “the One” was going to unveil an across the board spending freeze. During the campaign, you were for the spending freeze. He told you that that was a dumb idea.  Now as it turns out, he was against it before he was for it!

UNDERPANTS: That’s true. That’s true. Kind of like I am on the Don’t Ask thing!  Did I really say that?  Ha ha.  Just kidding.  But the really amusing thing is that he’s talking about a freeze in 2011 of some $15 billion that could be saved by his version of a spending freeze. And then like some NBA center, he immediately pivoted to another, quote, [makes silly air quote] “jobs bill,” stimulus bill, 80 billion, 100 trillion, whatever it is, and I mean, you just can’t make it up  [general chuckling]

CAMEROTA: Well let’s mention jobs then if we have to, and those in Arizona, which we know you know all too well.  The company that the presdint talked about last night, the company in Arizona that got $100 million federal dollars and then created 15 jobs in 2009, 27 jobs in 2010, tell us more about this amusing story.

UNDERPANTS: Well, we had not heard about it until his speech last night, so uh, we’re forced to look into it.  But my understanding the facts [sic] are basically yours. We have now got into a position where there is a $40,000 debt for every heterosexual man, woman and child in America, and the spending is out of control, the Chinese own $850 billion of our notes.  Look, we’ve got to get spending under control!  Line item veto. Line item veto!  Many other things are necessary and Senator Evan Bayh and I proposed a package day before yesterday that should be implemented right away. We’ve got to get spending under control. I’ll use the Line item veto if I have to.

DOUCHEY: All right. So amusing!  Before you go, what kind of grade would you give President Hussein on that raadiculous [sic] speech last night?

UNDERPANTS: Well, the President always gives an eloquent teleprompter speech and I admire that and appreciate some of the unusual proportions of his speech, [audible squirting sounds] particularly where small business is concerned and try to do a better job on job creation, but the substance of it, frankly, I think shows that he really is not – has not heard”— just doesn’t understand the message of Virginia and Massachusetts.

KILMEADE: Well he’ll damn sure have to pay the price in the polls and maybe November too if that’s maybe the case. Well great having you on, Captain, you’re looking so alive. Have a great day.

UNDERPANTS: Thank you…

UNKNOWN offstage: What the fuck was that?

*

“The day that the leadership of the military comes to me and says, Senator, we ought to change the policy, then I think we ought to consider seriously changing it because those leaders in the military are the ones we give the responsibility to.”
— Sen. John McCain,  on Hardball in 2006

“At this moment of immense hardship for our armed services, we should not be seeking to overturn the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy.”
— John McCain, quoted by NBC News today