Crazy Like A Zero-Tolerance Fox

Rachel Slajda

After a rash of mistakes and apologies over the past weeks, Fox News has sent a memo to employees announcing a new “zero tolerance” policy for on-screen errors.

FishBowlDC obtained the memo, sent last Friday, which warns mistakes could lead to written warnings, suspensions and termination.

USojo, however, has obtained the rough draft of that memo, which we thought was a lot more insightful and entertaining:

Subject: You Ignorant Fucks! Quality Control
We had a mistake on Newsroom today when a amateur photoshop of teh rogue Princess wrong book cover went on screen during a guest segment, the kind of thing that demonstrates conclusively that we’re all a bunch of ideological fuctards can fall through the cracks on any day with any story given the pathetic level of hype and bullshit that passes for professionalism large amount of elements and editorial we run through our broadcasts.  Unfortunately, it is the latest in a series of mistakes on FNC that, if we had a frackin’ clue, we’d realize they number in the thousands in recent months. We have to all improve our performance in terms of ensuring error-free broadcasts. BWAAHAAHAAAAA!!!

“…error-free broadcasts”?  Isn’t that like setting the bar, oh say, in the frackin’ stratosphere? Isn’t that inviting someone like, oh say, Keith Olbermann to bust your asses fifteen times a week?  Go onnnnnnnnnn………..

To that end, there was a blood-bath meeting this afternoon between senior managers and the folks who run the daytime shows in which expectations were reviewed, and the following threats  edicts results were announced:

Effective immediately, there is zero tolerance for on-screen errors. Mistakes by any member of the show team that end up on air may result in immediate disciplinary action against those who played significant roles in the “mistake chain,” and those who supervise them.

Oh, Roger…  Oh, Rupert… Aren’t you the nincompoops who hired these nincompoops?

That may include fresh turds warning letters being put in your personnel files, all-expenses-paid trips to Club Gitmo suspensions,  and other possible hate crimes actions, up to and including on-air slandering of you and your family termination, and this will all obviously play a role in performance reviews.

I’m sorry, but there currently are no performance enhancing drugs remotely powerful enough to improve your “performance.”

So we now face a huge public crisis and impossible challenge great opportunity to review and improve on our workflow and quality control efforts.  To make the most of this breach of ethics that opportunity, effective immediately, Newsroom is going off our meds to “zero base” our newscast production.  That means we will start by going to air with only the most essential, basic, and manageable elements. Let’s face it: we’re all a bunch of hapless tools.

Nice try, Fuxroid;  I’m still not going to watch your tripe.

To share a key quote from today’s meeting: “It is more important to get it right, than it is to get it on.” That means none of you dumb shits will ever get laid again. We may then build up again slowly as deadlines and workloads allow so that we can be sure we can quality check everything before it makes air, and you we never having to explain, retract, qualify, or apologize to anyone ever again.

Never  ever  ever never  “explain, retract, qualify, or apologize…”  Do they even know what fucking planet they’re on?

Please know that jobs are on the line here.  (Including you ignorant primadonnas that call yourselves the “talent” with a straight face!) I can not stress that enough.  I will review again during our Monday editorial meeting, and in the painful and increasingly humiliating days and weeks ahead. This experience has crushed the soul of a soul-less bunch of fuctards should make us stronger editorially, and I encourage everyone to invest themselves one hundred and ten percent in this effort.

You heard him, bitches; one hundred and ten percent; now drop those donuts and douche bags and give me twenty… twenty minutes of airtime without a fuck up— and I mean zero-tolerance fuck up— no on-screen errors, no ethically bankrupt news blathering, no partisan hyperbole, no racist, hate-filled diatribes— this means YOU, Beckwad—

Oh I just. can’t. wait. . .