Sponge Mike Squarepants

Sponge Mike Squarepants

What kind of person misunderestimates the country’s willingness to amend the United States Constitution to be more in line with the (your most trusted version here): ____________ version of the Bible?

That would be Sponge Mike Squarepants. Sponge Mike, who believes in miracles. In fact, he’d like to be the recipient of a grand miracle to win the nomination for POTUS, having already attributed his 200-some delegates to the favoritism of the Lord.

Miraculous thinking is nothing new for Bible believers. The Hebrews were long nurtured on traditions of miracles and legends of wonders, so it’s no wonder that Christians too expect God to provide miracles to achieve their personal goals.

But if they would take a closer look at Jesus, they would see he revealed the folly of prostituting divine talents for personal aggrandizement or for purely selfish gain. As the Son of God, he could have hung his Hebrew enemies out to dry on thin air, suspended, as it were, in the sky— while legions of angels threw rotten fruit at them twenty-four-seven.

But, he didn’t. He knew that the working of miracles and the execution of wonders would call forth only outward allegiance, by overawing the mind; he knew such performances do not reveal God, much less save men’s souls.

Sponge Mike— forget miraculous divine intervention. It’s not the way the lord would want you to “gitter done.” Know wudda mean? Just squeeze your head until those ideas run out on the floor.